I am still waiting

It seems like it is taking forever, sometimes i cant help but wonder, have action been taken? or are they sweet-coating my request by saying action is on its way but the action will take forever, just to keep me numb in the dark? I cant help it, but it can be upsetting, when you see all your former seniors keep on asking you when are you coming back and the current ones refused to give way, i know both department love me enough, although i dont quite understand why, but should i be given an opportunity to decide on my own future?

it seems like i am waiting for a lot of other things...

I am waiting for giang to come to malaysia, so we can catch up on each other, and if possible, take a day off so that we can go back to uni together, i really miss those walking around in uni days with her and all our other sisters

I am waiting for giang to get into kpmg vietnam as well.. like that we can be like last time, we can share all laughter and tears together, we can chat and gossip like usual..

I am waiting for my department people to change their attitude, although i know that it will never be possible.. unless i wait until my next life..

I am waiting for the embrace of my future

I am waiting for a day of laughter, it seems like so long since i last laugh until i cried

I am waiting for a holiday.. i want to go the beach! or even genting is more than enough

I am waiting for my sister to come in her internship, which will be next week

seems like i am waiting for so many things...

guilt

I dunno... it is just that i cant help but to feel that way...

I feel like, i am torn between my own and my family's dream and the current situation where people in this department's love and care for me.. i cant believe that it has come to the extent that it is affecting my weekends.. i cant seem to be able to focus on having great fun.. because i really do not know.. what should i do... should i just be selfish and achieve my own and my family's dream? or to stay on where i am now..

I am so guilty.. it seems as if no matter which route i take.. i have to fail someone.. cant i just take an action which harm no party??

If i choose to pursue my own dreams.. then i will harm my current senior, who have been a dear to me.. she really cherish me and is there to provide guidance for me whenever i need it.. i saw her pain whenever i mention that.. and i know she saw mine whenever i mentioned of my dreams of return to cptx .. but when i saw how she treat me, her care for me.. i feel so guilty.. when i fail to be efficient on may 7 and i accidentally hit her head last friday.. i feel so guilty.. i hurt her in so many ways.. but somehow, i think she knows something i do not know and she meant to keep it as a secret from me until the very end...or all these while.. is she giving me hints but i am just too slow to notice it? i remembered that day when she told me when i return to cptx, she may require my help still in her cases.. i did not give an answer then.. but i will say it aloud here now.. i am more than willing to.. and 2 weeks ago she suddenly ask me when am i suppose to leave.. i am quite confused.. seriously, i think i can tell her, dun think i can find another senior as good as her.. in addition, i think i will tell her, at one point of time, i did consider of giving up my own dreams to stay on in this department.. but when i was reminded not to waste my expensive degree at all.. i hesitated.. maybe.. in the end.. i have to harm a person as great and kind of a senior as she is.. thats why i am so guilty and sad.. i think i can cry.. i have grew so fond of her.. and if i return, i will miss her.. a lot..

but, if i dun return, what are dreams for? to be wasted like rubbish? i wanted to return to cptx after i left kpmg as an intern on 29 august 2008, it came to the extent that i have to review all these memories to push me ahead in my studies in final year, which i am ever so thankful.. because of such motivation, my final year results.. dun think i ever achieve such wonderful results.. so little away from first class... it is a record i have broken as i manage to beat all my other classmates who are supposed to be better than i.. which is simply a wonderful surprise.. and above that, i always want a job that is not similar to my studies, and yet, it is connected to what i study, picky huh? and cptx meet this weird requirement of mine, exactly.. if i stay on in ies.. my degree will officially be wasted forever.. it is not cheap.. a total of 70k.. if i choose to give up this dream..i wasted mom's money and hope upon me.. thats why when she is not in a good mood.. she will start nagging me for not taking action to return.. i am guilty too if i do not return..

what should i do?

i gave it much thought.. finally i choose to achieve my own dream.. given the first chance to return, i will take it.. after all, it is my mom's hope on me too.. and i am a daughter first before an employee..

i am so sorry janet.. you are such a wonderful and kind senior, someone which i can joke and chat along, thats why i am not shy to compliment you in front of boss on fri's meeting.. it is really great to know you, other than you are unable to keep stress inside (but anyone in this department is quite the same, which is why sometimes i think i do not fit) .. i really appreciate the times of me sitting next to you.. assisting you with your difficult portfolio with your guidance and care.. you just know when to give guidance and when to let me go solo.. i respect you for that.. i do not regret my times in ies at all.. the first reason being you are my senior.. one that is so unselfish when it comes to guidance and teaching.. my memory in this department is something i will remember forever..

if there is ever an opportunity to let me return to cptx but during peak times, i will have to help out in ies.. i will take it, for sure..

but i am still feeling so guilty now... T.T

forgive me..