do i still have a right??

It had been almost 3 weeks, 3 weeks in personal tax... what can i say? last year, it took me only 2 weeks to blend into corporate tax, and fell in love with it.. but personal tax... why? i havent develop passion for it? am i not meant for it? or the days i have had in corporate tax are too precious and unforgetable? i know, my current senior trusts me, janet told me that she knows who can do work and who cant after so many years in the job, i know her encouragement for me, but why? my heart is not where it is supposed to be? my colleagues and not bad either, but something is just missing... last time, although corporate tax is ever so serious, we do not talk at all.. but i can feel the invisible line that connect all of us.. some kind of unique energy bound us together, we seem to understand how each other feel.. but here, i felt so disconnected, is it because the age gaps of the colleagues here are too far? or is it that in corporate tax, our thinking are similar?

i went out to the inland revenue board 4 times this week, alone.. except that on wednesday, i was at cheras, and then it turned out that the client's file is in shah alam, and i have to rush there and came back with janet.. i am surprised at myself really, i never knew that i am capable of this.. because i never tried this when i was in cptx, ah.. i do not deny that i did learn a lot in the past 3 weeks.. i know i will never regret my presence here.. but i am like fighting my own conscience everyday.. my heart is still in cptx, i missed that place so much, that whenever i see people belongs there, or i see corporate tax comp at printers, my heart hurt so bad.. sometimes i just want to cry my heart out.. is it considered as a kind of torture? am i angry that i was not given a choice at the first place? that place is my motivator, for the sake of my return, i worked so hard in final year for an excellent result, and yet, i got the chance and lost it instantly, not that i want to.. just like the song i am listening now, "it must have been love" by roxette.. my passion and dreams to be with them again shattered.. almost instantly..

what more that yesterday, when i spoke to yivon, i felt so sorry and guilty although it is not my fault.. i knew that they all are stressed.. since it is very peak now, i understand them well, because i was with them last year, she added that wica needs me.. i felt so sad.. i came back to help, and yet i am helpless.. they need someone to fill in the forms for them, and where am i?? not that i want to.. i asked why not give it to the pool? she said they hardly do that since they are scared that they dunno them well.. i was more upset than ever, my memories with them are too precious and i held it too tightly.. when i was about to left office at 8.30pm, i walked past corporate tax just to see them, i found out that lee choong was eating bread.. and yivon still eating nothing, i told them to take a short break and grab a bite.. but i was so sad.. how i longed to assist them, but what can i do?

born a serious and studious but blur person..i am still a very determine person that never give up on hope, hardwork and dreams.. i know that place is where i want to be, but i was taken away.. why? i want to ask why? although it is true that i learnt a lot in ies.. but can i go back to cptx one day? i made all the necessary preparations for my return.. but now i have to start all over again.. is this fair? yeah, i get to learn something new.. but now, instead of work for passion, i work for work.. will this bring me far? grace lim is my performance manager, she gave me tasks.. i learn to send emails to clients and earn respect.. and janet said for a person who have zero knowledge of tax and been here for 2 weeks, i am considered good.. but the most important thing is just missing, that is passion.. "sometimes it feels like no one understands, i do not even do the things i do" this "journey" by angela zhang describe my feelings so well.. maybe, this is life journey.. i plan to attend the corporate tax training in september, but i fear that grace will disallowed it, i do not want to stay in ies forever.. it is cptx i want and i must have some formal training.. why cant passion and dreams to be realised? will she buy my reasons? if i am to stay in ies.. i rather tender my resignation and start elsewhere.. hope that the company will not force me to take this action because i really love the company with all my heart.. or should i wait until that i can get promoted and request to return because losing me will be a loss for the company?i worry.. and pray hard each day that someone will help me to return to cptx, where i rightfully be.. i always believe that, a person who work in a place where she have passion, she is willing to battle with all types of obstacles no matter how difficult it might be.. but in a forceful work situation, no matter how small the obstacle, it will brings 2 times the pain.. and never to judge a book by its cover, just because i am small in size and look like a child.. it does not mean that i am not capable.. but do i have the right?

it is graduation day, i am so tired.. everything went on ok although my shoe almost fell off on stage, luckily i did not made a fool out of myself.. i am now officially a working lady.. part of the white collar society.. my future is in my hands.. and with all my heart, i hope that i will eventually get to return to where i belong one day.. because for all that passion i have had on it, i deserve such an opportunity..

days have to go on.. still..

It had been a week since i started work, in which i spent some days feeling depressed... and very blur and blue.. i know that after a long time, it is similar as the first time you started work as an intern.. being blur is a very normal thing.. and i believe close friends will understand my reason for feeling blue.. i spent a whole year during my final year in university thinking of corporate tax department, as i really miss it.. some people may think i work for work last year, yeah well, maybe the first two weeks yes.. but the rest of the days.. i worked with burning passion, how i remembered the workaholic me.. the phrase my former senior describe me as.. crazy.. haha..

everything takes time, i know that very well.. since i am not a genius.. but i am a hard-worker, thats all.. i am willing to invest myself in something i like for future sake, i am willing to commit myself.. for life on something i love.. i always thought that, going back will make me happy and full again.. but the shock i received when i first go up really give me the shock of my life.. at first i really felt it, like a sense of betrayal.. really really upset about it.. but hey, whats the use? i am young and raw.. i ought to try others right? but somehow i have to admit something.. i remembered my first day there last year, i was told to do cp204a letter, i cannot understand it.. and people in cptx 3 seem more willing to lend a hand alright.. i dislike giving trouble to others although i admit i am very good at it when i am not familiar with something.. ish~

but one thing is different.. my senior here is by far more friendly and easy to communicate with.. which is quite a shock due to our age gaps.. my former senior is still there, and just as any peak season.. she does seem stress.. but less compared to last year.. which is good.. in the past i was silly enough pinning for her.. she is not a friendly person unless one really knows her well.. then she will turn talkative.. but somehow i missed being bullied by her.. my current senior is very nice.. and easy to talk to.. she love to laugh.. but sometimes, it is not just human relationships.. i prefer to compare on work tasks.. maybe i am more a challenging person than i thought i am supposed to be.. every job do have their sweetness and bitterness.. but corporate tax is by far more challenging.. how i hope i can request to return one day.. if i cant, maybe next year i have to leave?! i dunno yet.. but i love this company and i do not hope to leave it.. but an individual should not stay on like that forever.. i am young and i ought to chase and pursuit my dreams.. why let others control? no way... lingkim lee is downright a workaholic alright, but on things she favor.. i do not hate personal tax.. and maybe now i am learning to like it.. but how i miss corporate tax.. a lot.. but days still have to go on right? i must accept it, but with hope and sincerity, i pray each day hoping for miracle to happen, i want corporate tax more than anything...

days passes with fun and happiness when my current senior is here.. because she is a very jolly lady.. cheerful as well.. but the last two days without her, i do feel so lost.. like when my ex-senior was absent on the 2nd day i was in office.. 3rd june 2008.. i absolutely have no clue what to do... but because i am still missing my days from last year, so i was so blue in the last 2 days.. i know my current senior want to cheer me up.. so normally i will just smile.. sometimes i do laugh.. telling myself, lingkim lee must continue her role as a good performer, so far she had not disappoint herself ever since she is 16.. she will not do so now.. she hate regrets above anything else... thats what she will turn her back on.. she wants everyone to think she have the ability although some people tend to benchmark her against her two genius sisters.. i ought to be like a roach, or a grass blade... small yet strong willed..

i will continue to work hard alright.. to earn my keep.. to shine in wherever i am .. perhaps being positive will help me attain whatever i want.. the law of attraction and hado effect does apply after all.. my future is in my own hands.. i create it and held it.. maybe now i am not given the opportunity.. but some time soon in the near future.. i will get hold of it.. the weed, although covered by layers of others.. have the ability to fight for sunlight for its photosynthesis process.. i believe i too.. have the ability to perform well in whatever i do.. everything takes time after all..

when your past motivation became sand and dreams become dust..

A fact is that, i had a wonderful time during internship last year, i love corporate tax.. and kept helding on to those wonderful memories... they are my motivation that drive me to work hard with my life, i practically bet my life upon it.. because i aim to return.. when i got the offer at 31 december 2008 at 3.40pm.. i was so happy, a dream came true.. but still, i continued to work hard because i wish to achieve a first class so that my final year in university will remain as a precious memory.. yes.. i was so close.. maybe just 0.2% extra will change my life.. but that miracle did not happen.. never mind, it is still a good result and i am still pleased and thankful, that time really look forward to return to the company, waiting to go back to corporate tax and start the peak season with happiness..

its all bias and unfairness.. how can judgment made a person by look? as they say.. dun judge a book by its cover.. but how can they do that to me?? just because next to the other girl, also previously an intern.. i am smaller and more petite and i look more like a child, that does not mean that i am not capable.. i might be a very blur person but i am definitely not stupid.. if i am really not capable, why on earth am i back for?? they underestimated my ability to dig information.. yes, i do not deny that the corporate tax pool is pack now.. but does that mean a place is not available for me?? i am allocated there on the first place.. and imagine.. after all those stupid e-tests.. i came up excited.. expecting to start and what happened?

i was called into the director's room and she said that the CPTX pool is oversupplied and she puts me into IES or personal tax department.. she did not give me a choice.. and i can only accept.. i cant say no on my first day right? she really know how to flatter me alright, she said she remembered me.. as a hardworking and willing to learn person.. yes, i do not deny that.. but placing me in a new department means.. my dreams clashes.. my motivation.. gone.. became sand and flow away.. i really want to cry.. yes.. my current senior is by far more friendly.. but i missed my past senior with her surly tongue.. i missed her scoldings.. does that make me a self-torture person?? i missed the situation sitting in CPTX.. all of us dont talk much but somehow, we are bound from within the heart.. interns, seniors, managers and partners.. we seem to feel each other and there is warmth there.. but after my 3rd day in IES.. i decided that it is just not same.. people are not as friendly.. something more is missing other than that.. it is passion..

it is unfair because it is me and jacq got transferred.. yes, i dont mind giving it a try.. but if i am given the choice.. i will say no.. i agree with michelle that i ought to give it a chance.. who knows i might like it.. but so far.. unlike the speed last year.. i do not find it interesting.. and perhaps it is off-peak now.. i felt like the tasks i was given is really different and they emphasis on unimportant stuff.. like hole punching?! ridiculus.. and the work i was given.. all i can say is boring.. it is not something i am ready to invest my life in.. my ex-manager daryl said that our future cannot be determined by others.. it was a shock of betrayal.. indeed.. if he did get to the bottom of it, i will be forever thankful.. there is nothing i want more really..

i love CPTX.. thats a fact.. and i was not given an opportunity to control my own life.. i had been cheated out of a dream.. i felt so sad and guilty.. i cant help my ex-senior at all.. helping her had been a pleasure, which i had told michelle, another ex-manager that.. the truth that last year, i work for passion, not i work for work..yes.. she may be cross at me often since i make frequent stupid mistakes last year and i understand that.. i understand her anxiousness and stress.. she dont have to say it, from the way she walk and look, i can tell.. like just now, when i saw the way she walked to toilet, i see that she is under stress..note that i am not a lesbian but i just observe.. i love doing that to each and every person in this world..i walked past guan heng, my ex-partner as well.. initially he cannot recognise me.. but i think he kind of remember now.. i hope miracle can happen for my and jacq's return to CPTX.

yes.. currently, my dreams may shattered to become dust but dust can gather again and form something new and good.. but sand... as fine as it is.. gone with the wind..so i am praying for miracle to happen.. please do..