r u changed or am i just another emotional female animal?

I cant help but to miss those days, when you only have me beside you, piling me up with work, it may seem that you overwork me, but you have no idea, the happiness within it, i think it is something that cannot be replaced, forever and ever.. because happiness has always been unconditional...

I know, someday i have to leave, but your changes is just too significant, it upsets me.. I do not mind guiding her in whatever she does.. in fact, i am happy to.. but i cant help but to feel left out, that i, who has been by your side for almost one year, who has been assisting you, is being ignored.. i understand that she is my twin sister since we are born in the same day of the same year, but do you know, how hurting it is?

I cant help but to noticed that what should have belonged to me, now goes to her, the warmth of your nature, your smiles.. while nowadays, it was i who have to bear with your complains and tantrums.. it was i who have to ensure everything goes smoothly.. you cannot imagine, maybe.. that i felt left out..

I wasnt quite agreeable when they first place her under you honestly, for i know that you do not need another assistant, but since what has been done cannot be rewind.. i will try my best to guide her, but i really hope that you are who i know you are again.. you have no idea how lonely i have become.. especially when i sit next to you..

I cannot believe that i felt so hurt and jealous to hear you praising her, those work could have been mine.. it should be mine but it was taken away from me.. You should understand that, when i see other assistants happily helping their seniors while my work has lessen.. i felt sad.. and it isnt my fault at all..

All these while, sitting next to you, i know how reluctant i was at the beginning, but your joyful nature opened me, allow me to enjoy whatever i have on hand.. but that, assist in creating the unconditional happiness.. but now when i saw how you focus on her, my twin sister or even the other assistant who is not even helping you, i felt so hurt, where is the senior i have known for the past one year? where is she?

i am really unsure now.. was it that you have changed and want to leave me alone, or am i just too sensitive, too emotional to feel that way.. i cannot imagine.. it has gone that bad, to the extent that i have to excuse myself from in front of you, go into the toilet and console myself not to feel that way... it seems like jealousy has always been my weakest point, i thought i have smoothen it, but now, i dont think so..

how i wish, you are who i know you are again.. i miss your happy nature that cheers me up.. but where are you?

what is there to be afraid of, i wonder?

I seriously cannot understand at all... when we came out to work, when all of us are new to a company, new to the work, none of us can just came in to office on the first day itself and whooop... able to do all the work without any problems at all.. we need guidance, or at least a reference or a sample.. this is because each and every company have its different way of doing things, we need time to learn.. is it not so? and above all, we need to have the courage to make mistakes.. we need chances to learn from, we need to fall down and climb back up again, is it not so?

but why why why.. i simply cannot understand, this is not the first time, definitely it will never be the last.. perhaps i am born an honest person.. if i dunno, i will say, if i make mistakes, i will admit, i speak my mind.. and i dislike hiding things, especially things which i think is not even worth hiding.. if i am not good, just show it, and i will learn from there... wont it be better? in this way, at least people know that i am learning and picking up constantly and eventually, i will be good.. so what is there to hide it?

this is what happen to a new friend and colleague of mine.. i cannot understand, so if you are not good, fell and climb up from there, make mistakes.. i think this journey is a challenging one.. get into trouble, get scoldings.. life is not perfect, then when you succeed, you will feel like the process is actually a piece of dark chocolate, bittersweet.. i am kind of tired she keep on telling me dont tell anyone that she obtain samples from me, dont tell anyone that i taught her this, teach her that.. i mean i dont mind teaching, but why the hiding?? i really think it is not necessary at all ok..

what is there to be afraid of? i wonder, scratch head and no, i still cannot understand it..

what can you gain from being bitchy?

I suddenly feel so pissed, i just do not understand, why the people in this department act in this manner, if there is one description word for it.. it has to be bitchy... seriously bitchy.. it has come to the extent sometimes i cannot take it anymore.. and i want to return to where i belong asap...

personally, i do not believe in complaining too much, like time and again i have written in my blog.. because i think there is no use.. complains wont make your life any better.. it will only increase your hatred... how can anyone live happily like that? i miss people in cptx because they take work as responsibility, something they know with all their hearts they must do to attain, and i think that my personality suits there better..

yv is leavin next friday, the same day i have be getting my result for my first cpa paper, i am quite sad on it, because she is like one of my greatest friend..she is someone i admire from the bottom of my heart because despite her young age.. her inner strength is wonderful.. i respect her for her ability and intelligence.. and she is a wonderful friend... she cares a lot and she knows me very well.. and she is always trying to bring beauty into this world.. try to avoid all politics where possible.. but i understand she is suffering, because she is not born a strong girl, she has various allergies..

and people who do not know her well? what did they say? the crtics is just too much.. i am so freakin annoyed.. people in this department.. to avoid further gossips.. i do not talk further.. they call her the chinese girl who looks like malay.. just because she is born dark skinned.. we cannot control that can we? i praise her a bit, she is indeed a genius... thats why i respect her, nowadays.. no tca can become a senior after 6 months as an assistant, only her because she is capable.. their reply to me was cptx dun have but ies got.. right, maybe such things happen 10 years ago.. for anyone who step into this department can see that everyone is no longer young here.. minus new assistants like us..

what can you gain from being so bitchy and spiteful? nothing.. seriously nothing.. it will make you lose friends in the long run.. might as well practice kindness, wont we all be happier with life that way? i am very tired sometimes from their complains.. if you do not hold an optimistic point of view on life.. how can you ever be happy? all these while, for the past one year i hold on tightly to my own perspective about life.. i try to make myself happy and not to be influenced by them.. and i think i survived.. but i am indeed a bit strained sometimes, i tend to be a bit pessimistic..thats very bad.. i will try to turn around..

had lunch together with wica just now.. she mentioned about CPA exam results, i simply blurt that i dunno what my results are.. she said i will sure pass.. because she said so far, she overcome everything successfully despite taking everything last minute.. and she wants me to update her once i have gotten my result.. hmmm... could it be that i am supposed to be shadowed by her? dunno, but i sure hope so... i cant help but to notice the difference between people in personal and corporate tax.. how i wish i am back with corporate tax already..

yeah~ i hope i am able to do well.. and i hope that i can return to where i belong asap.. i rather face stress in work than to be in an environment that stressed me out, because i cannot control it at all..

warmth in the past few days

It has been quite a beautiful week, from last wednesday till yesterday, i dont think i have much complains, even though dad as usual, try to find something that upset us..

Lets start from the beginning.. It was such a long wait, and Giang came to malaysia to visit us, i was so very happy.. Goodness knows how much i miss her, and those times we all are in uni, i miss the days, when all of us are wearing casual and with academic books in our hands, those long assignment discussions and those days gathering, disturbing our lecturers etc... i miss those days when we were bored in class, almost falling asleep, especially those classes that took place after lunch... i miss that day when we were together in the studio, which now sadly, discontinued their operations..

My younger sister joined my firm since last tuesday, and golly, i think she is a real busy bee.. it seems like she is worst than me, she has more work than i do.. but a person as good and talented as her deserve a job here.. and i hope, she will call this place home like i do.. and so is my best friend, giang.. i have no idea what is the environment like in vietnam kpmg.. but i sure hope she too, will find herself at home there.. sometimes, i cant help but to think that it is funny.. funny how i was betrayed on my first day at work, yet the love for this place remains.. although i am unsure, as i cannot foresee the future, whether this feeling will remain forever, but i sure hope yes, i hope that this place i call home now, will be home forever for me..

another thing is that i felt my ambition is a step nearer to me.. my dialouge has finally been reviewed and my performance manager spoke to me that day.. she gave me a choice.. and i voice it out.. now it just left me to amend my dialouge, hopefully i have time thats it.. but she asked me whether i have any complains on my senior and whether i am stressed out or have any complains on the amount of admin work in this department.. i said no.. my complains on my senior is really nothing much, because to me, i am very blessed i have a very thoughtful, helpful and cheerful senior, probably my only complain is on her untardiness.. my answer to the second question is i am not stressed at all, not even during peak period, in fact i think it is quite challenging and fun.. my answer to the third question is i do not think admin work is something to be complain of, i understand that many people in this department complain on it, but i do not think it is a relevant topic at all.. after all, your work includes that and that is part of your job.. what is it to be complain of?

but all these, although are simple events.. i felt very warm.. and happy.. how i hope this luck will continue on and on.. =)