thats my guessing, but could it be true?

No matter how much a woman want to deny the fact the she is an emotional animal, the truth remains.. Maybe that is due to us having too much progesterone in our bodies.. we produce them and they control us.. making us sensitive to emotions and affections.. Like my previous blog.. I wrote that when i was full of emotions of disappointment, sadness and loneliness.. but now when i look back at it.. only did i realised that how emotional i can be..

Based on my analysis this week.. perhaps, it is not the fault of the friend i refer to in my previous blog.. i should have been more understanding, i have become so unbecoming.. how could i be so thoughtless? silly silly me.. just because i am a female filled with endless emotions and desire for affections.. when come to think of it, i felt so childish and ashamed of myself..

When i think and analyse further, could it be mood swings? or is it because it has been sometime i am not sitting next to her, it has become so difficult for me to know what is happening to her and to sense her feelings and thoughts? I used to be able to, yet i do not know the reason why, it was the same with wica.. i can sense the feelings of people quite easily, as long as i chose to do it.. if i dont, now thats a different story altogether..

She went for a fertility treatment during late august, she have been hiding that fact quite deeply, perhaps she still has the fear that she is unable to bear children.. but time and again i think she is hinting me something, only that i am too blind and slow-witted to sense it.. I remembered that on October 2nd.. i was told to go back and work.. because she wanted to treat me lunch as a belated birthday pressie.. and she did mentioned something about wanting a daughter very desperately, and even to the extent asking when a woman is in confinement period, is it ok to work in the kitchen... which i strongly against it..

Then during the subsequent weeks, her mood swings are so strong that it has become so unpredictable, i am kind of fond of her, so most of the time, i am able to sense her feelings.. but in the past few weeks, sometimes i felt that her mood fluctuates so strongly and frequently that i do not know her at all.. she never scolded me in the past.. and i cant believed that she tick me off for something i never did wrong in the first place as mentioned in my previous blog...

Then on thursday night, i asked whether she will attend annual dinner this year, i was very surprised when she said maybe not, due to the fact that she is pretty much a hyperactive person and she love parties.. for what i know about her, so i took a step forward and ask why.. she said yet to be seen.. if she is expecting by then.. maybe she will not attend.. i simply nodded.. but when i got home and give it a thought, it doesnt sound right, normally she will not talk like that unless there really is something.. perhaps she is afraid that her own health is not that good and not suitable to attend dinner if she is expecting? or what i think and guess.. actually she is expecting now.. and by december she will start to show, thats why she do not want to attend? i dunno.. but my senses tell me that the 2nd choice seems more likely...

Then i think back about wednesday afternoon when she brought her own food to office.. which is quite a large quantity.. i had the same feeling as well.. my other colleague saw it too and asked her how come she is eating so much, she simply replied PMS.. when actually, i was expecting her to announce that she is eating for two...

Yesterday was budget night, and i helped out with the dinner.. distributing dinner to those in the rooms.. hmmm.. most of it went well.. one manager was pretty demanding and she expect us the send it to them when we are supposed to only deliver dinner to those in the rooms.. another problem came when the list we had was not updated and so a director and an associate director complained about that.. the worse case came when susan and i are supposed to be off from work.. we told an admin boy to look after the last box of rice and arrange to send it to 1 partner (who is the fiercest one), but then another partner who did not order came along and thought that it is simply an extra box and just took it away to eat.. and the admin boys did not stop him!! so we have to come back and explain it to the group leader and luckily she said she will explain it to that fierce partner.. whew!!!

When i bought the drinks in the afternoon.. using my own money in a separate bill.. i got two v-soy, one was because i was craving for the creamy soya milk, as i dont usually consume that drink until i came across to v-soy.. my senior is same as well.. so i got her a bottle.. when i finished my job that night, i came by to disturb her, as there does not seem to have much changes in the tax this year, she was pretty free.. so i get to speak to her.. she thank me for it, she ate her rice and curry puff and yet she said she is still hungry.. thank goodness i got her the drink to fill her up (maybe just temporary).. but i am glad that it helps...

For the first time, i felt her care upon me.. she told me to go back earlier to sleep as in the past moments, i hardly slow down and rest.. and somehow, despite how i tried to hide it, she seems to know that i am tired.. i felt so thankful even for the small little care she had for me...

And i still do not deny one thing, i miss sitting next to her a lot!! i am so envious of another colleague of the same position as i, who joined the firm 6 months before me who still can sit next to someone she is fond of, and yet i cant because i am not limited to assist her alone anymore.. i am also obligated to help 3 others.. but i really miss the days when i am solely under her alone.. the days which have become a past now and will soon become history.. but they will remain as beautiful memories in my life.. and i am thankful to have them under lock and key in my heart..

I am human, alive and not a doll

I am human... I think everyone knows that, otherwise how on earth can i talk and walk, have emotions and feelings and think? But sometimes, I cant help but to wonder, why must I be treated like a doll? I mean, I know the life is never fair and is never perfect, we are bound to have mistakes and we have our bumps in life.. But when such things happened, I hate it when people just simply blame it on others, just to make themselves feeling better.. They hurt others.

I remembered I was once like that years ago.. And I learnt a lesson that hurt me more than I hurt others, from that time onwards, I learnt to be truthful to myself, be truthful to others, I guess that was how I developed my straightforward nature and wait I hate lies so much... After all, come to think of it, of my own childish self years ago, what is there to gain if you lie? By telling the truth, at least your self conscience is clear and clean.. But by telling lies, you can concile the truth (which most of the time, will not last long either) but can you live a clean and truthful life? I do not think so...

So come back to my topic, I was pretty hurt these days by the on-off treatment.. Sometimes I cant help to wonder, is it because when your value to others are depreciating, people will tend to forget about you? Although that time, when the proposal came out and I am supposed to switch place, she told me that once, she had another assistant whom she was as close to as she is close to me, but subsequently, that assistant resigned, and they have since lost contact and she was pretty upset about that. Thus, she made that assumption that I will slowly forget about her when I change place, I strongly disagree then as I will still stand by the point of view today, because I am a person who will keep friends forever, I cherish my friends, everyone of them.. But now, I regretted for not adding a fact, that if you are not the one who forget about me first.

And that was how I felt now...

I felt since the place have been changed, she only speak to me when there is work to be done, unlike those days, which is not so long ago.. we used to share everything, I used to tell her everything, I was fond of her as she was of me.. Sometimes, I felt pretty hurt about it, especially yesterday,I felt it so much, as if I am bleeding inside.. The only thoughts I have then was what happened to our friendship? Just because she was in a bad mood and a mistake was done, does she have to go to the extent of telling me "You went training and forgot about everything else?" When the fact was, she herself remembered the wrong thing, that file was with her on the day of the meeting, I was only holding on to another file.. And now, is it my fault for a mistake done? I asked a question about signatures then, and she told me that it is not required as it was computer generated, and now, is that fault mine as well? By nature I am a honest person, so I tell whatever that is on my mind.. She simply kept quiet at my explanation.

But the wound exist now and it will take a short while to recover i guess..

If this is how she wanted to keep a friendship, I think she is losing it faster.. To keep a friend forever is to like taking care of a flower, it requires nuture.. I forgive her, because she taught me a lot in the past, because of the friendship I hope we can keep.. But I really hope, in the remaining short 2 months which I will still park under her, we can be who we were 2 months ago.. I am a human, especially a lady with a lot of emotions, just like herself.. Not a doll who can act like a sponge, absorb everything and anything willingly..

I did not wait for her today to go back together after lunch, am I too much as well? But I cant help but still remember the wound yesterday, maybe soon, I will recover.. in a week or so..

Silly in the short term, but invest in a long term future

It has been so long since I last update my blog... I guess it is due to the fact that training has begun and I am like constantly running up and down, attending classes and working, worrying about my clients (well, not mine, my senior's, but I just have the habit to treat them as my own).

I have told a few colleagues about my future, that I have decided to stay and go through peak one more time before transferring to corporate tax next year, and that I will return to personal tax annually during the peak and help out.. Many of them thinks that i am silly, stupid, crazy or whatever term with the similar meaning, why do i want to torture myself like that? Yes, in the short term, I am exactly what they thinks, but what about in the long run?

Being a person with zero tax background and yet I have chosen this career route, I believe that with every single effort I invest in work, I will gain something in return, whether it is the love and respect from my colleagues and superiors, salary or acknowledgment, I trust that some miracle are bound to happen, like how i have waited for a year for a person to regret for transferring me away from corporate tax.. Maybe it will be faster increment? Bigger bonus? better prospects? whichever it is.. I will be glad, but even if I do not get any of those, I will still be willing to work both sides because it gives me an opportunity to have the best of both worlds.. I think it is magical how I can understand tax despite myself not having a formal education on it.. yes, i may have to invest more effort.. more energy.. but I believe that I can achieve whatever i want, as long as I put sufficient effort in it, and so i see it as a long term investment.

I understand that this means I am sacrificing my own leisure, but then I do it willingly, one heart and soul.. I trust that fate will lead me to the correct path.. maybe i will eventually meet someone who is my soulmate somewhere and some time in life.. If not, at least i can be independent and manage my own life without having any reliance to anyone.. I love children, then maybe I can adopt one or two if in the end, I remain single.. I dunno, based on a random tarot card reader which my mom has consulted my life in last year, I have been told that I have missed a chance to meet my other half when i was 21.. and the next time around, which will be a lasting relationship, will be when i turn 25.. hmmmm.. to believe? who knows, maybe i will meet that someone earlier.. wahhahahah...

A senior who used to be my senior's assistant told me today that i am so silly, why didnt i ever complain about the work load? she said she complain a lot when she was still an assistant, but I am like silently taking all responsibilities if i can afford it.. because i think it is worth it, i get to learn more...

I remember before i shift place, my senior seem sad.. she said when i shift place, i will forget about her, how sad she was because once upon a time, she was that friendly to an assistant like she is with me, subsequently that girl resigned and forgot about her totally, and they lost contact.. now, it has been a month plus since i shifted place, i still remain in good terms with her, but she is the one who seem like she is moving away, not me, sometimes i wonder whether she is the one who never get in touch with others, personally, i am one that will keep good friends forever and ever, and i told her about that.

I admit i improved, it seem to hurt less to see her and my twin sister getting close, after all, they are rightfully senior and junior now. But i cant help but to feel being abandoned sometimes, maybe, my time being her assistant is coming to an end soon and that means I no longer have much value to her, i am independent and i do not need that much guidance now.. i do not mind that, but what i mind about is her attitude towards me, i felt that since i changed place, she has become so cold towards me.. never before in the past year did she show me much of her temper, but recently, it is increasing and it made me feel sad... and i done nothing wrong! In her absence, i am the one who assist to manage her portfolio..

I treated her more than just a senior, she is also a friend which i am fond of.. but nowadays, i think she is treating me more and more like an outsider.. and i cant help but to feel sad about it.. sigh~~ Regardless, i know of one thing, she will never find another assistant like me, and i am sure of it.. but i will still wish her luck..

Maybe, it has come to a time which i ought to fully focus on my own future and not to think about other people's feelings and welfare...