No matter how much a woman want to deny the fact the she is an emotional animal, the truth remains.. Maybe that is due to us having too much progesterone in our bodies.. we produce them and they control us.. making us sensitive to emotions and affections.. Like my previous blog.. I wrote that when i was full of emotions of disappointment, sadness and loneliness.. but now when i look back at it.. only did i realised that how emotional i can be..
Based on my analysis this week.. perhaps, it is not the fault of the friend i refer to in my previous blog.. i should have been more understanding, i have become so unbecoming.. how could i be so thoughtless? silly silly me.. just because i am a female filled with endless emotions and desire for affections.. when come to think of it, i felt so childish and ashamed of myself..
When i think and analyse further, could it be mood swings? or is it because it has been sometime i am not sitting next to her, it has become so difficult for me to know what is happening to her and to sense her feelings and thoughts? I used to be able to, yet i do not know the reason why, it was the same with wica.. i can sense the feelings of people quite easily, as long as i chose to do it.. if i dont, now thats a different story altogether..
She went for a fertility treatment during late august, she have been hiding that fact quite deeply, perhaps she still has the fear that she is unable to bear children.. but time and again i think she is hinting me something, only that i am too blind and slow-witted to sense it.. I remembered that on October 2nd.. i was told to go back and work.. because she wanted to treat me lunch as a belated birthday pressie.. and she did mentioned something about wanting a daughter very desperately, and even to the extent asking when a woman is in confinement period, is it ok to work in the kitchen... which i strongly against it..
Then during the subsequent weeks, her mood swings are so strong that it has become so unpredictable, i am kind of fond of her, so most of the time, i am able to sense her feelings.. but in the past few weeks, sometimes i felt that her mood fluctuates so strongly and frequently that i do not know her at all.. she never scolded me in the past.. and i cant believed that she tick me off for something i never did wrong in the first place as mentioned in my previous blog...
Then on thursday night, i asked whether she will attend annual dinner this year, i was very surprised when she said maybe not, due to the fact that she is pretty much a hyperactive person and she love parties.. for what i know about her, so i took a step forward and ask why.. she said yet to be seen.. if she is expecting by then.. maybe she will not attend.. i simply nodded.. but when i got home and give it a thought, it doesnt sound right, normally she will not talk like that unless there really is something.. perhaps she is afraid that her own health is not that good and not suitable to attend dinner if she is expecting? or what i think and guess.. actually she is expecting now.. and by december she will start to show, thats why she do not want to attend? i dunno.. but my senses tell me that the 2nd choice seems more likely...
Then i think back about wednesday afternoon when she brought her own food to office.. which is quite a large quantity.. i had the same feeling as well.. my other colleague saw it too and asked her how come she is eating so much, she simply replied PMS.. when actually, i was expecting her to announce that she is eating for two...
Yesterday was budget night, and i helped out with the dinner.. distributing dinner to those in the rooms.. hmmm.. most of it went well.. one manager was pretty demanding and she expect us the send it to them when we are supposed to only deliver dinner to those in the rooms.. another problem came when the list we had was not updated and so a director and an associate director complained about that.. the worse case came when susan and i are supposed to be off from work.. we told an admin boy to look after the last box of rice and arrange to send it to 1 partner (who is the fiercest one), but then another partner who did not order came along and thought that it is simply an extra box and just took it away to eat.. and the admin boys did not stop him!! so we have to come back and explain it to the group leader and luckily she said she will explain it to that fierce partner.. whew!!!
When i bought the drinks in the afternoon.. using my own money in a separate bill.. i got two v-soy, one was because i was craving for the creamy soya milk, as i dont usually consume that drink until i came across to v-soy.. my senior is same as well.. so i got her a bottle.. when i finished my job that night, i came by to disturb her, as there does not seem to have much changes in the tax this year, she was pretty free.. so i get to speak to her.. she thank me for it, she ate her rice and curry puff and yet she said she is still hungry.. thank goodness i got her the drink to fill her up (maybe just temporary).. but i am glad that it helps...
For the first time, i felt her care upon me.. she told me to go back earlier to sleep as in the past moments, i hardly slow down and rest.. and somehow, despite how i tried to hide it, she seems to know that i am tired.. i felt so thankful even for the small little care she had for me...
And i still do not deny one thing, i miss sitting next to her a lot!! i am so envious of another colleague of the same position as i, who joined the firm 6 months before me who still can sit next to someone she is fond of, and yet i cant because i am not limited to assist her alone anymore.. i am also obligated to help 3 others.. but i really miss the days when i am solely under her alone.. the days which have become a past now and will soon become history.. but they will remain as beautiful memories in my life.. and i am thankful to have them under lock and key in my heart..
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