when you see people around you are different

Time really flies.. i still remember vividly my life as a student in Nottingham, it wasn't easy.. and even those days when kim lee was just a naive intern of corporate tax.. those days which i met my first seniors, including my direct senior who has since become a role model to me, since then until today.. to me, she is classy and intelligent, yet, she is beautiful... someone i really admire...

Life was never easy but you can make the best out of it, it basically depends on what you really want to be... you shape your ambition and dreams, you even shape your emotions.. i am a female animal so i admit too, that sometimes, i tend to surrender to my own emotions.. I will never forget, how enthusiastic i once was, as an intern, i LOVE my job and i swore i am saying it honest.. even during weekends at those days, i was thinking about work, maybe it is because that is my first job ever, in my life, and that shapes me.. i brought those memories with me and make them my motivator in life, it turns out well because during my final year, the year people say is a killer year, i scored the best i ever did in university, it was a first class, unfortunately, because i did not do that great in 2nd year, which take up 30% of my final degree result, causes me to be short of o.3% to first class.. that was such a major disappointment, one of the worse since i am short of an A to be of straight A's in SPM.

i will never forget those days when i was still in degree, each evening when i was jogging by the lake, my mind is full of the memories i have stored as an intern, how i longed to be back, sometimes when i cannot sleep at night, i dream of those days, even those pictures were printed and hung in front of my study table, it gives me the energy to continue to study, regardless whether it is up to 3am or 4am in the morning because i have found a motive in life.

when i managed to go back from an offer from kpmg without interview, i was so proud.. i have made that place home since june 2008 and i look forward to see the people i miss and love once again, only that it ends with another major setback. I was transferred, whether i like it or not, to a brand new place, regardless.. i never regret my days here.. i learnt a lot, i made a lot of friends and i still able to make myself home and stay happy... although there were a lot of setbacks.. but all in all, at least, i felt cherished.. thats the most important thing to me.

however, life is not perfect.. one by one, i see my love ones, my seniors in corporate tax and colleagues in IES, leaving... sometimes i actually felt so upset that i wanna cry, i do not make friends in a blink because i am slightly reserved and shy.. although people who knows me some time no longer felt that way.. it is in fact, easier for me to speak to you professionally than making you my close friend which i trust.. when i see one by one, they leave.. for people i know, it starts with choon ling, yi von, lee choong, eunice, auyong, shanthini, mimie, swee joo, susan, jill, tiffany, wica and angel.. so many of them i am close to have now left.. i cant help but to feel slightly depressed..

the biggest setback for me for people of this list is probably you, wica... more than you ever know because i still remember so clearly..when i was an intern, you said since we all are accounting graduates, big 4 is the place we can aim for, and few days ago you said you no longer can meet the expectations here, so you left.. sigh... you were my inspiration.. but when i started my work in IES, it has also given me a whole new view, that i can be independent without you, although you remain a very important figure in my life.. when i return next year, you will no longer be here.. but we will be friends, forever..

xin ai says that i have no point of staying in kpmg anymore since wica is no longer here... maybe if my mentality stays on in 2009, i will agree.. but now, i know i am better than i ever think i am... i can be independent.. hey, i just completed a partnership which was given on a pretty last minute basis.. that is something to be proud of.. xin ai also said that since cptx abandon me from the start, why should i return, isnt that an advantage for them?? my answer will be i made kpmg my home since 2008, i will not find a reason to leave it as long as they did not abuse me more than 5 times, i will not find a reason to bid farewell, by saying abuse, i refer to discrimination, backstab and betrayal.. well, maybe overwork to an extent, but that extent is pretty far away.. probably be the day which i was told to work 16 hours a day for a month? so far, the so called abuse, i have only encountered once... which is the time i was not given a selection to chose my career path.. but i took my revenge anyway.. SWEET!! =)

but people i mentioned above, i miss all of you, although i know there wont be a time to reverse back to those days.. but.. you guys will remain in my heart.. because we are friends.. and that means forever..

Should I be thankful???

The new client listing came out on Thursday... as one person is officially transferring to another department... i was given 45% of her portfolio... should I feel thankful for it? That my bosses think highly of me?? but there will be more more work!!! T.T and officially, my portfolio now has 220 individuals.. maybe now the most of anyone in the department..

Lucky i hope, i will keep my assistant..

and her portfolio is a messs!!! a mess from last time... why didnt she clean it up while she was holding it for the past 2 years??? !""£"£$^$^&*^*^&(*(($:L<

you can do it when you believe you can

It is coming to end.. my stressful first half of the year... my terrible peak has announced its closing ceremony, a day before the deadline, which is today... and yesterday around 4.15pm, when I click submit to my last e-filing client, I felt such a great relief.. hurray!! I am done with April filing, my first filing as a senior, one that has not been easy but also one that made me proud of myself.. that I did not use much help to prove that I can be capable.

Not to say that I am selfish or what or I refused to teach, most of the time, I teach interns and use them, I want to use my assistant, but S never stop using her, I see her also kesian, how I wanted to speak up for her, but now, from former lunch partners demoted to not even a normal friend, I felt more relieve and I can be myself more, I made more friends and is more happier.

I was so naive, when i first came, she was my first friend, she was fine then, only now i reliased, how she enjoyed being the show off.. Speaking to other colleagues, I know she change from the moment she tendered her resignation in Jan and boss kept her by offering her to transfer to the department she aims to be at, how she became nasty, she thinks she has a victory over bosses because they made that counter offer.. and eventually she became such a heartless person, working her intern and assistant to death.. i call that slavery, which is illegal in Malaysia.

I share the same assistant as her, and boy, dont i feel sorry, i try to do everything on my own.. just when i thought i was drowning, i always kept in mind that i can do it.. and i did it.. ahead of her.. wheeee.. my boss was surprise and i am happy when she said good... hehehe

now, is the final count down.. exams!!! next fri!! jia you!!!

Been ages

Wow wow wow... It has been ages since I last update this blog, I think it is probably moldy now.

The last time i post a blog, I was still an assistant, a lot have happened since then but I am just too lazy to update my blog.. Guess this is going to be another long winded essay to summarise all in one.

Well, to begin with, I was promoted to tax consultant with effect from January 2011, but due to the shocking number of resignations, I never got my portfolio until February. So I actually took a senior's pay for doing junior's work for a month. I remembered, I cautioned them before, if the culture do not change for the better, people will never be happy, they will only view working as a torture.. And I got a junior before getting my own portfolio, which is pretty much amusing because at first, I really do not know what to give her.. since I was quite lost myself.

I realised how different it has been... Being a junior and a senior, the amount of stress doubled and for a whole month of February, I have difficulty staying immune and blending into the role. My junior was not too good then, but it was wrong of me to hold high expectations upon everyone. If the manager has not advised me to give her a chance, tell me that not everyone is a quick learner.. Maybe I would not have given others a chance. I see it now, and I see a significant improvement in her, in time, I will train her to be a great performer, but unfortunately, not now, I am only half alive from the peak period.

I was given an intern too, she is good, but too bad, she have to take unpaid leave now when I need her the most, because she did not got through a test.. sigh¬¬¬ I would willingly use my assistant, but I do feel sorry for her, I meant to be the strict one but I guess I can't because when I see Susan overwork her, I think it is not right for me to add into her burden, I do not want to see myself to be the heartless senior, so each time before giving her a lot of work, I would ask whether Susan gave her a lot of work... Because I seriously do not want to demotivate a person, especially on her first job.. I have learnt, people are motivated by different things.. When I was new, I remembered, I fought to be the best, I purposely buy books to catch up on my own because I want to show to the director, I want to make her regret, for transferring me from corporate tax to IES without giving me a chance to prove myself, they rate me according to my physical looks, which is pretty much, like a child still.

And I think I successfully done it ;)

My bosses are prepared to put me back to corporate tax in May, but feeling sorry for them due to the high turnover rate and also at the same time, I thought of myself having to complete my CPA examinations, I chose to delay my own ambitions for a year, which for the first time, I felt regret because when the portfolio listing came out, I was given all the not so good managers, which can be a pain in my ass.. DUH... but still, there is no reversing it, I have to face the truth and work my way through.. and counting down to a year..

I see people around me change.. I felt so down sometimes, I wonder where is the naive and innocent me who can stay happy no matter where I am.. or how stress I am.. I mean, I still can laugh, still can smile, but I really want to bang my head and sleep sometimes, its like I am having difficulty balancing my life with work, studies, family, friends and entertainment. I swear, after peak period and May exam, I am going to partttttaaaayyyy... maybe a shopping spreee.... woo-hoo!!

Lets see.. my status showed that I am 41% done.. that means I still have another 59% to go.. hmmm.. target this week, out at least 30 individuals.. which make it 92 out of 152 clients which i have.. that makes it.. um.. 61% done?? and have another 60 individuals.. arghhhh.. when is this ever going to end??

Never mind.. just try my best thats it!! Gambateh!! everything will be alright!! =) everyday is gonna be a better day..

A busy roller coaster life

Goodness.. Never expect that more than 1 month had passed since I last update this blog, it is as if i am abandoning it, but it was due to my busy life nowadays... I think I have a lot to say, but now I am not sure whether I still remember what I want to speak out..

The weather is weird nowadays and many people fell sick as a result of that, the same goes to myself, I am sort of feverish few days back, but I still have to pull myself together and come to work, just knock out when I reach home. I am way too busy now that I am assisting 4 seniors (thank goodness it will come to an end soon), sometimes I felt that I miss helping only 1 senior so much, because sometimes, i tend to get a bit confused since everyone have different styles, it is quite hard to please everybody.. Plus an advisory which goodness knows why I put in more effort than my own senior.. sigh~~

Lets see, what do I have to put down in wiritng and remember? Ah yes, the skit which I wrote, a horror-comedy skit, it was a success, thank goodness for having a wonderful director, tiffany and great actors, veon, janet and mr lee, and as well as alice and angel, i think the skit is okay, very much to my contentment, just pray hard that it will at least reach the final for i have invested a lot of my own heart and soul in it.

There was the trip to the organic farm, a place which taught me a lot about nature's healing, it was tiring but a great trip! and thank you boss for sponsoring this trip^^..

Next, it was that advisory which turn my life upside down.. sigh!! lets hope that it will finally be finalised now, i am tired, really.. takes up too much of my time. Been going home pretty late these days, and i am suppose to start studying too!!

Chatted with yivon 3 weeks back at 3 am in the morning, and understand that sometimes, moving to commercial does not mean that it is good, yes, being in big 4 consist of a lot of work, what you sacrifice is your own leisure time and personal time, even sleep.. but when she move on to commercial, although life is easier, because you finish work on time, but the politics there never end, i think she must have been the victim, this is why she said such things.. hmmm..

And I have also witnessed some sensitiveness and minor politics in the department, in fact, it is still existing and running in fact. From my understanding, the situation begun when cheng decided to join our table for next month's annual dinner this year, and i of course, my colleague added my name in, so it is a pretty easy flow, but as cheng join us, it is also mean that she has abandoned chin, hooi and joo, and they felt it, somehow, that feeling is stronger in chin, and i, being naive, asked her why is she so angry on one of her notes at the office communicator, she was writing in chinese, it means a friend betrayed her, but isnt that every individual's choice on where to sit? why does she have to be so sensitive? i do not understand.. sigh~~

i thought maybe, a short while later she will forget, after all, we are colleagues, which are supposed to be friends right? but maybe I was not feeling so well on tuesday and very busy, thats why i did not speak much to her, has she misunderstood? because according to another colleague, on tuesday night, her mood report in facebook state that there is no friendship in office, is she referring to us? she was on medical yesterday and was so quiet today, it is hard to understand why... why so sensitive? maybe women being emotional is just natural, but sometimes, perhaps we all should think beyond our own boundaries right?

a simple problem lead to the complication of life and make yourself upset, is it worth it? i do not think so, with such problems, add on with endless work and studies to cope, i think i am fainting soon.. such roller coaster..

thats my guessing, but could it be true?

No matter how much a woman want to deny the fact the she is an emotional animal, the truth remains.. Maybe that is due to us having too much progesterone in our bodies.. we produce them and they control us.. making us sensitive to emotions and affections.. Like my previous blog.. I wrote that when i was full of emotions of disappointment, sadness and loneliness.. but now when i look back at it.. only did i realised that how emotional i can be..

Based on my analysis this week.. perhaps, it is not the fault of the friend i refer to in my previous blog.. i should have been more understanding, i have become so unbecoming.. how could i be so thoughtless? silly silly me.. just because i am a female filled with endless emotions and desire for affections.. when come to think of it, i felt so childish and ashamed of myself..

When i think and analyse further, could it be mood swings? or is it because it has been sometime i am not sitting next to her, it has become so difficult for me to know what is happening to her and to sense her feelings and thoughts? I used to be able to, yet i do not know the reason why, it was the same with wica.. i can sense the feelings of people quite easily, as long as i chose to do it.. if i dont, now thats a different story altogether..

She went for a fertility treatment during late august, she have been hiding that fact quite deeply, perhaps she still has the fear that she is unable to bear children.. but time and again i think she is hinting me something, only that i am too blind and slow-witted to sense it.. I remembered that on October 2nd.. i was told to go back and work.. because she wanted to treat me lunch as a belated birthday pressie.. and she did mentioned something about wanting a daughter very desperately, and even to the extent asking when a woman is in confinement period, is it ok to work in the kitchen... which i strongly against it..

Then during the subsequent weeks, her mood swings are so strong that it has become so unpredictable, i am kind of fond of her, so most of the time, i am able to sense her feelings.. but in the past few weeks, sometimes i felt that her mood fluctuates so strongly and frequently that i do not know her at all.. she never scolded me in the past.. and i cant believed that she tick me off for something i never did wrong in the first place as mentioned in my previous blog...

Then on thursday night, i asked whether she will attend annual dinner this year, i was very surprised when she said maybe not, due to the fact that she is pretty much a hyperactive person and she love parties.. for what i know about her, so i took a step forward and ask why.. she said yet to be seen.. if she is expecting by then.. maybe she will not attend.. i simply nodded.. but when i got home and give it a thought, it doesnt sound right, normally she will not talk like that unless there really is something.. perhaps she is afraid that her own health is not that good and not suitable to attend dinner if she is expecting? or what i think and guess.. actually she is expecting now.. and by december she will start to show, thats why she do not want to attend? i dunno.. but my senses tell me that the 2nd choice seems more likely...

Then i think back about wednesday afternoon when she brought her own food to office.. which is quite a large quantity.. i had the same feeling as well.. my other colleague saw it too and asked her how come she is eating so much, she simply replied PMS.. when actually, i was expecting her to announce that she is eating for two...

Yesterday was budget night, and i helped out with the dinner.. distributing dinner to those in the rooms.. hmmm.. most of it went well.. one manager was pretty demanding and she expect us the send it to them when we are supposed to only deliver dinner to those in the rooms.. another problem came when the list we had was not updated and so a director and an associate director complained about that.. the worse case came when susan and i are supposed to be off from work.. we told an admin boy to look after the last box of rice and arrange to send it to 1 partner (who is the fiercest one), but then another partner who did not order came along and thought that it is simply an extra box and just took it away to eat.. and the admin boys did not stop him!! so we have to come back and explain it to the group leader and luckily she said she will explain it to that fierce partner.. whew!!!

When i bought the drinks in the afternoon.. using my own money in a separate bill.. i got two v-soy, one was because i was craving for the creamy soya milk, as i dont usually consume that drink until i came across to v-soy.. my senior is same as well.. so i got her a bottle.. when i finished my job that night, i came by to disturb her, as there does not seem to have much changes in the tax this year, she was pretty free.. so i get to speak to her.. she thank me for it, she ate her rice and curry puff and yet she said she is still hungry.. thank goodness i got her the drink to fill her up (maybe just temporary).. but i am glad that it helps...

For the first time, i felt her care upon me.. she told me to go back earlier to sleep as in the past moments, i hardly slow down and rest.. and somehow, despite how i tried to hide it, she seems to know that i am tired.. i felt so thankful even for the small little care she had for me...

And i still do not deny one thing, i miss sitting next to her a lot!! i am so envious of another colleague of the same position as i, who joined the firm 6 months before me who still can sit next to someone she is fond of, and yet i cant because i am not limited to assist her alone anymore.. i am also obligated to help 3 others.. but i really miss the days when i am solely under her alone.. the days which have become a past now and will soon become history.. but they will remain as beautiful memories in my life.. and i am thankful to have them under lock and key in my heart..

I am human, alive and not a doll

I am human... I think everyone knows that, otherwise how on earth can i talk and walk, have emotions and feelings and think? But sometimes, I cant help but to wonder, why must I be treated like a doll? I mean, I know the life is never fair and is never perfect, we are bound to have mistakes and we have our bumps in life.. But when such things happened, I hate it when people just simply blame it on others, just to make themselves feeling better.. They hurt others.

I remembered I was once like that years ago.. And I learnt a lesson that hurt me more than I hurt others, from that time onwards, I learnt to be truthful to myself, be truthful to others, I guess that was how I developed my straightforward nature and wait I hate lies so much... After all, come to think of it, of my own childish self years ago, what is there to gain if you lie? By telling the truth, at least your self conscience is clear and clean.. But by telling lies, you can concile the truth (which most of the time, will not last long either) but can you live a clean and truthful life? I do not think so...

So come back to my topic, I was pretty hurt these days by the on-off treatment.. Sometimes I cant help to wonder, is it because when your value to others are depreciating, people will tend to forget about you? Although that time, when the proposal came out and I am supposed to switch place, she told me that once, she had another assistant whom she was as close to as she is close to me, but subsequently, that assistant resigned, and they have since lost contact and she was pretty upset about that. Thus, she made that assumption that I will slowly forget about her when I change place, I strongly disagree then as I will still stand by the point of view today, because I am a person who will keep friends forever, I cherish my friends, everyone of them.. But now, I regretted for not adding a fact, that if you are not the one who forget about me first.

And that was how I felt now...

I felt since the place have been changed, she only speak to me when there is work to be done, unlike those days, which is not so long ago.. we used to share everything, I used to tell her everything, I was fond of her as she was of me.. Sometimes, I felt pretty hurt about it, especially yesterday,I felt it so much, as if I am bleeding inside.. The only thoughts I have then was what happened to our friendship? Just because she was in a bad mood and a mistake was done, does she have to go to the extent of telling me "You went training and forgot about everything else?" When the fact was, she herself remembered the wrong thing, that file was with her on the day of the meeting, I was only holding on to another file.. And now, is it my fault for a mistake done? I asked a question about signatures then, and she told me that it is not required as it was computer generated, and now, is that fault mine as well? By nature I am a honest person, so I tell whatever that is on my mind.. She simply kept quiet at my explanation.

But the wound exist now and it will take a short while to recover i guess..

If this is how she wanted to keep a friendship, I think she is losing it faster.. To keep a friend forever is to like taking care of a flower, it requires nuture.. I forgive her, because she taught me a lot in the past, because of the friendship I hope we can keep.. But I really hope, in the remaining short 2 months which I will still park under her, we can be who we were 2 months ago.. I am a human, especially a lady with a lot of emotions, just like herself.. Not a doll who can act like a sponge, absorb everything and anything willingly..

I did not wait for her today to go back together after lunch, am I too much as well? But I cant help but still remember the wound yesterday, maybe soon, I will recover.. in a week or so..