life goes on..

Another week came and went.. it seems like so many things happened this week, joce left the corporate pool officially and joined the audit department and on her first day there, she went out already, so basically, i didnt get to see her at all this week... changed a new place, but seriously i dont really like it.. maybe i am just not used to it yet.. but i really miss that old place, in a way haha.. monday and tuesday went on quite peacefully.. nothing much happened.. other than performance manager query my timesheet.. yet again.. i guess i am going to get queries every two weeks... haiz.. why are there no charge code yet?? stupid MIS department..

wednesday came and that is the day jacqueline and i went out for lunch with our ex-seniors.. we dont talk much, just listen.. the way they speak seems to give me an impression as if everyone changed and they longer are as nice as before.. they seem to be discouraging my return.. i dunno.. but it seems to me that they are quite pessimistic about it.. but as i said, i am a very headstrong person, whatever i want means i want it.. because i am a person who is always clear about what i want.. and i do not care how many obstacles it will take for me to return.. because it is something i want it from deep within the heart, no one can prevent me.. ever.. i went to see ms teh on wednesday evening, but she was with someone, when i went to see her the second time, she was still with that person, but she noticed me, while i turned and walk away.. she came after me and said she will see me on thursday.. unfortunely, when the next day came, she fell sick and thus, she will see me next wednesday...

went irb cheras on thursday.. and it went on quite well.. this week is std week and i have done quite a lot hehe.. so funny.. some of which my senior dont even know how i get it but the answer is correct.. i felt how much she appreciates me.. and i am thankful in a way, she is really a wonderful senior.. and i am lucky to be under her.. although she is so much my senior.. friday.. hmmm.. such an adventure day.. early morning itself uncle rajoo said his taxi service is not available.. so i have to call myself to jalan duta irb.. and get a cab from there to lebor ampang.. well.. supposed to be.. but the taxi driver dropped me at masjid jamek and said he dunno how to go, so i walked to shearn delamore myself.. then walk to fatt yan to ta pau my lunch and take a cab back to pj.. wow.. luckily i grew up in kl, else i wont know how..

then noon came and i went for training, it was a bit bored but i learnt a lot from the training, but a lot of time had been wasted for that.. so i stayed till late to finish as much of my job as possible since my senior will be away from next thurs.. i ought to complete all the significant jobs before she leaves.. my performance manager saw and asked why i stayed so late.. my senior said she tortured me.. haha.. two person said i am cute yesterday, partner and my manager, really pai seh.. but i never want people just know my name and think that i am just another cute face.. i want people to think of me as a capable person.. thats all i really want..

went to watch a movie alone first time today.. lol.. but the movie, dance flick is so so horrible.. yuck! sucks! whatever bad comment possible.. totally meaningless.. stupid, illogic.. and teach people the wrong guidelines to life.. where got show which teach people not to persue your own dreams and try to be successful.. and to teach people to have children out of the wedlock... and not to take responsibility? even as a general term.. it downgrade hip-hop and ballet dance.. ish.. hate it.. stupid flim..

hope that next wednesday i will be successful! =)

looking on the brighter side of life

I guess, i am really the kind of person who can get easily addicted to something no matter how unwilling i am to cooperate, i cannot deny it anymore, how childish i had been the past one month, because i have not been given the job a chance.. yeah, nothing in this world can beat whatever that stays in your heart.. because that is an ultimate aim, a motivation and an undying dream.. something that gives you ultimate happiness.. i hope that this feeling will stay forever of course.. but this current job is not as bad as i thought.. 1.5 months i have been in the international executive department already, and i am quite surprised that i myself get to improve, since having no background in tax, i thought i will learn slower than others regardless how willing to learn i am, perhaps i am underestimating myself of my own ability, maybe i am too used to being the not so smart one.. but i guess this thinking have to change now, with an open and willing heart, i ought to undertake everything that is given to me and face it.. of course, despite this, i am quite a headstrong person, i wish to request to transfer after form B filing next year, that is due on 30th june 2010.. wow.. which means that time is corporate peak again.. i really have no rest haha..

in a way, i am thankful because i get to learn more in my current young age.. but since i am a person who hate regrets.. thats why i want to make a request.. few weeks back i was complaining endlessly which now i review myself and find it super childish.. i keep on saying i want to go back fast as there is where i belong.. but it is actually not too bad.. its a matter of getting used to, and i am thankful that janet, she is a wonderful senior, always willing to teach, i know that i had hurt her, and i know that i had been a difficult person.. but i hope soon, it will all stop.. i was quite disappointed that i cant go to tax core 1 training, the place where i came from, i know that all people from pool are going.. but there is nothing i can do since performance manager have not given me permission.. i guess what gives me addiction in work is the sense and feeling of being needed.. i was here during corporate peak last year, and thats why i want to stay on until after peak.. to be fair and just.. i do not want to hurt someone who treated me so well.. i cant bear to live with guilt, that make life more difficult to face than to do something i hate.. which i dont of course.. i hope that my presence will help her to get promoted.. then i can leave at ease.. when she said the word that i am her savior yesterday, i feel a bit shy.. i am no superwoman.. i have my mistakes as well.. but i am willing to overcome it at all costs.. that is what i learnt.. no matter what responsibilities undertaken.. do it properly, face it with an open heart.. so i decided to look at the brighter side since i am sure now, i do not hate the job, in fact, i kind of like it..

i know that i am often a straightforward person that is both quiet and boring.. sometimes my thinking is just not my age, perhaps it is due to the way i am brought up, but i am not upset, in fact i am proud of it.. of course.. being too straightforward is something i have to make a change in.. for i tend to hurt people unintentionally.. quiet.. well.. that cant be help, but it had already improve significantly.. really.. i am more talkative than who i used to be before.. that is a real stated fact.. boring, as i said, i am born a serious person.. with a pinch of sense of humour, i do gossip and complain like most girls.. and i tend to talk about myself.. sometimes maybe too much.. i do play pranks but not used to laugh at people from the back.. especially at friends.. how does it feels if you are in their shoes? people can dislike me for being bored and i dont give a damn.. i do what i think is right because that is the fact.. some people can be jealous but i dont care.. when i am not comfortable at a situation, i tend to show it, not hide it, although sometimes i tried very hard to.. because i am a honest person.. as i said, the main reason for being extreme straightforward sometimes..

i am glad still, to have a job at the current horrible economy..and i am glad that i will have the best of both worlds.. and i am contented with my life right now.. although there are occasion bumps but who dont have it in life?? be proud of myself, that is what is supposed to be.. i am ready to accept all ups and downs of life.. because i am not scared of it.. still, i will try and negotiate for an opportunity next year to get back to where i am supposed to be.. for now, my current aim is that while i am still in IES, i will give my very best shot, help her get promoted despite i am no superwoman or some lucky charm... then i can leave happily.. LOL.. sometimes interesting things do happen here.. such as they trying to pair me up with a colleague.. i may not say a word but i do find it as a joke to laugh at.. maybe i am too cool.. my reaction but actually when i thought of it alone, i cant help but to shake my head and laugh about it..

dreams are....

Dreams are... what you really want to do with your life.. as individuals.. none of us are perfect, but each of us have traits that are unique to ourselves and that is what that guide us to every action and deed... like the carrot on the stick game, there is always a thing that motivates us.. those are dreams we really want to achieve, or in other words, ambitions.. with determination there is nothing no one can never do.. with hope we can achieve what we wants, with will power we are ready to undergo every single obstacle we faced, with luck we are always one step closer to our aim, because every door has a key to go with it, even if we lost it.. there is always a solution! such as a pin can solve the problem! when we get to achieve what we really want from deep within the heart, we derive ultimate satisfaction, or self actualisation as of maslow hierarchy of needs.. lol.. still have the uni student itch in me eh?

these few days, i felt as if hope is given to me and taken away again, concurrently happening... one day i got to know that 2 people will be removed from pool and the next day i was told 5.. and then the next day i was told pool remains overcapacity and the next day, a new girl whose qualification is way lower than me got into the department i so desperately want..not to say that i am arrogant about my qualifications.. but there are some things that ought to be given priority in a first job.. i prepare to see ms teh on 17th, i hope she will spare me some time and accept my explanations.. at that time, she told me that she wants to transfer me away because i am willing to learn, i do not deny, but above that, i wish to tell her that i am a passionate person, once i am doing whatever i really love from the bottom of the heart, i am able to perform better.. i really wish that she will be kind and compassionate enough to have me transferred back so that i can realise my dreams..

being in ies, of course i will never regret, i learnt a lot really.. i learnt about both technical and soft stuff.. i learnt to be independent and be on my own in irb.. like today.. been to the largest branch in jalan duta, and in total i met 6 officers all for different issues.. most are fine but the counter lady was quite rude.. from 1st to 5th to 7th to 12th and back to 1st floor in block 8A and from block 8A to block 11 on the 11th floor.. it is definitely the longest time i spent in a irb.. and the most tiring, the legs are now.. OUCH! pain.. stupid me... of all times,i choose to wear the pair of shoes with highest heels.. what an idiot i was... i went off about 9.45 am and came back close to 12.30.. wow.. that is great.. went to get something simple for lunch because i need a break before work again.. and met wica and auyong on my way back.. i guess they saw my "chan" look today.. cant help it.. walking on those heels sometimes can kill me.. and such a long distance tim.. ate in the pantry and spoke a bit to joseph.. director for cptx2..

well.. yeah, i do not hate the job in ies but unlike cptx, it seem difficult for me to create passion out of it.. perhaps.. like a love relationship, cptx had become my first love.. and i am ready to undergo all challenges to get it.. after all, i waited one year for it, it motivates me to work extremely hard to achieve it.. i still remember.. 31st december 2008 at 3.40pm.. i got called by kpmg and was offered the job.. i was so much overjoyed just to think of my return because i have made that place my second home.. but the transfer left me so confused and a little upset.. but as i had said.. no regrets.. i really learnt a lot.. maybe now i am really a JA queen hahaa..

something funny happened today noon though.. my senior was not feeling well.. and the phone keeps ringing.. we heard that the person wants to look for susan.. but he dialed the extension of 7345.. but susan went down and the phones remain non-stop ringing.. then my senior realised that he is looking for suzana.. my senior thought that she is supposed to be a chinese and asked whether it is suzana wong or whatsoever.. he said should be a malay girl.. as i have guessed earlier.. from cptx.. search for her extension and saw that it is 7435.. so that guy dialed a wrong number.. i guessed earlier because suzana sat behind me when i was a VT.. always a popular victim of fei po.. and anyway.. at this time.. despatch came for the purpose to deliver the signed form c and form r since due date is next friday.. anyway, my senior called suzana and tell her.. your boyfriend is waiting for you downstairs, get down to collect your documents.. i really laughed.. laugh until i cried.. my senior here is really humourous.. and very willing to teach and guide.. but.. as i said, humans are selfish.. i have hope to achieve my own dreams.. that means i have to turn my back from her.. which is very bad of me.. but my future is in my own hands.. if i do not achieve it.. am i wasting my life for something i was forced to accept.. if i give up on the persue of my dreams now.. i will regret for sure in the near future.. and as i emphasis time and again.. i, LING KIM LEE HATE REGRETSSSSS....

dreams are our motivators and they are meant to be voiced out and attain it by effort.. praying everyday that i will be able to be given a chance eventually.. hopefully, ms teh will be kind and compassionate enough..

why?

Sort of getting used to IES already but there are times i wonder if my emotional self is protesting with determination still.. sometimes i know i can perform a lot more better.. but it seems like my inner self is rejecting it.. an undying dream, passion and happiness.. which is totally unconditional.. taken away from you and during then, there is nothing you can do.. how does it feels? there are times i really want to cry my heart out.. and i did broke down on sunday morning in bed so no one knows.. how i really missed corporate tax.. how i longed to be there.. of course i will not regret coming here.. i learnt a lot.. its a fact.. but because it is not what i want to commit the whole of my life in.. when obstacles arrive i felt twice the pain..

was surprised at the fact that my bosses in this department had no idea that i am new in july.. they thought that i am like my colleague.. was in corporate pool for a long period of time.. before got here.. perhaps amelia told them that my wish and passion.. maybe thats why brittany, before she left, she said she hope to see me still in IES in january.. but, can i really last until then? got to know that about 5 will be transferred out from pool in sept, thats why i aim to speak to the lady who transferred me soon.. how i hope that she is willing to have me transferred back.. i hate regrets of any form.. and i always believe that my future is in my own hands..

a new girl from last year's intern came back and she got allocated to pool.. that is so unfair, especially to me.. why does everyone thinks that baby face cant do a thing? it is not the looks but the ability and qualification that counts.. this is so unfair..especially among all.. i am the highest qualified candidate.. i came from a prestegious university and i am only 0.2% away to first class.. but, they dont see my qualification and that hurts.. for corporate tax, i used to skip lunch for it, stayed late for it despite interns pay is only 800.. and i even tried coming back on weekends but was not allowed.. and in the end, what did i get? and the others, well, i have no comment on two second upper candidates from other uni, they are great friends.. at least they met the basic requirement.. but the new girl, second lower and she got into pool? why? why?why?

why they choose to keep lower qualified candidates and rather have me ditched out.. i want to make a return.. but do i have a chance? i want this sorrow to stop once and for all.. have to see her on the 17th.. hope that my lucky star shines upon me..

one month...

one month.. in a blink of an eye... and for some reason, i got more and more depressed... which i do not understand why, maybe, it is just not what i want to be, i do not want to be tied down in international executive services forever.. i am so sorry to say that.. i am serious.. the colleagues there are quite nice.. my senior especially.. she is ever so approchable.. so willing to guide and lend a hand and explain.. and yet, what have i done?? i still fought with my own conscience and soul everyday.. i am not a very good communications person, okay.. i admit my malay sucks.. and i dislike dealing with government officers too often..i used to think that i may like admin work as an intern, but it seems like i am wrong, seems like my life now, it would have been better if i can concentrate on techinical stuff.. i missed those days in corporate tax more and more, i became so sad this week that i thought i may as well fall into a depression.. last year, in my blog in friendster at this time, my diaries are all happy.. but now, it seems so sad.. i am now in a very difficult position..

corporate tax is my love.. and i cherish those days and those tasks and would sacrifice anything in this world for it.. but the trust and care janet laid on me make me feel so guilty.. i do not deserve her kindness and patience, and she do not deserve a betrayal like me, one whose heart is still with corporate tax...but is it fair? since i was not given a choice in the first place.. there are so many times i want to cry at night for the choice that i have never made for my life, this is not the life i want.. who can help me?? i need time to learn.. my speeding up sometimes is scaring me.. especially when i was scolded nearly every night for being in a department i do not want.. this double the pain for me and i have no idea how long i have the strength to undertake this.. i felt so emotionally drained every night.. and yet i must put on a smiling face the next morning.. my senior's effort really upset me because i know that i do not fit.. similarly, joce, who among us is the only one who got back into corporate tax, wishes to try out audit.. we are like having and helding to our dreams.. but it seem so faraway..

they told me that there may be chance for me to get back, but it depends on my ability to persuade that woman.. but without support, do i have a chance, i want to try it out.. i do not want to go to HR for this issue.. she is a very high position dominating woman in the department.. and giving it second thoughts, she is like me, we are humans after all, she is not god.. she cannot determine our lives can she? i have to work out my courage and speak to her... yes, i am a person that is willing to learn but above all that, i am a passionate person, for my dreams, i am willing to give up everything, including my life.. i am very troubled about not being selected because i looked too young and childish.. baby face does have troubles.. really.. i am so upset but who can understand??

went to community day today.. wasnt too good.. but i enjoyed the trips to the herb farm and carey's castle.. but planting trees in the rain is really er.... no comment.. haha.. came back to office about 5.. and i get to speak to wica.. she smiled at my passion and agreed that i have a weird character of enjoyed being bullied by her.. yeah, i admit i do, but could it had not been her.. my final results would never have been so good.. she somehow is the person i owe a lot.. she knew of my difficulties.. and i am glad to know that her situation is better than last year.. i hope that she wont resign though.. she is so high above now.. why change? i hope that she will eventually become my senior again.. but going for my own dreams means i am betraying janet.. but if i dont i will regret my life forever.. i ought to leave before i learnt too much and wasted her time.. it is a tradeoff.. then i choose my passion and dreams.. as i said, janet is friendly, way too much as compared to wica.. but i really missed being bullied by wica... i love the job better.. one month.. and nothing change my opinion of it.. and it only took me 2 weeks to bland in cptx 3 last year.. how i wish dreams can come true agin..

according to the kuan yin oracles.. i may have a chance.. and i hope that it will come true.. for i really want to cry.. for my passion, i deserve an opportunity.. i am willing to work hard for it.. but can it?? i am praying hard everyday.. i will get to return.. hopefully please.