one month...

one month.. in a blink of an eye... and for some reason, i got more and more depressed... which i do not understand why, maybe, it is just not what i want to be, i do not want to be tied down in international executive services forever.. i am so sorry to say that.. i am serious.. the colleagues there are quite nice.. my senior especially.. she is ever so approchable.. so willing to guide and lend a hand and explain.. and yet, what have i done?? i still fought with my own conscience and soul everyday.. i am not a very good communications person, okay.. i admit my malay sucks.. and i dislike dealing with government officers too often..i used to think that i may like admin work as an intern, but it seems like i am wrong, seems like my life now, it would have been better if i can concentrate on techinical stuff.. i missed those days in corporate tax more and more, i became so sad this week that i thought i may as well fall into a depression.. last year, in my blog in friendster at this time, my diaries are all happy.. but now, it seems so sad.. i am now in a very difficult position..

corporate tax is my love.. and i cherish those days and those tasks and would sacrifice anything in this world for it.. but the trust and care janet laid on me make me feel so guilty.. i do not deserve her kindness and patience, and she do not deserve a betrayal like me, one whose heart is still with corporate tax...but is it fair? since i was not given a choice in the first place.. there are so many times i want to cry at night for the choice that i have never made for my life, this is not the life i want.. who can help me?? i need time to learn.. my speeding up sometimes is scaring me.. especially when i was scolded nearly every night for being in a department i do not want.. this double the pain for me and i have no idea how long i have the strength to undertake this.. i felt so emotionally drained every night.. and yet i must put on a smiling face the next morning.. my senior's effort really upset me because i know that i do not fit.. similarly, joce, who among us is the only one who got back into corporate tax, wishes to try out audit.. we are like having and helding to our dreams.. but it seem so faraway..

they told me that there may be chance for me to get back, but it depends on my ability to persuade that woman.. but without support, do i have a chance, i want to try it out.. i do not want to go to HR for this issue.. she is a very high position dominating woman in the department.. and giving it second thoughts, she is like me, we are humans after all, she is not god.. she cannot determine our lives can she? i have to work out my courage and speak to her... yes, i am a person that is willing to learn but above all that, i am a passionate person, for my dreams, i am willing to give up everything, including my life.. i am very troubled about not being selected because i looked too young and childish.. baby face does have troubles.. really.. i am so upset but who can understand??

went to community day today.. wasnt too good.. but i enjoyed the trips to the herb farm and carey's castle.. but planting trees in the rain is really er.... no comment.. haha.. came back to office about 5.. and i get to speak to wica.. she smiled at my passion and agreed that i have a weird character of enjoyed being bullied by her.. yeah, i admit i do, but could it had not been her.. my final results would never have been so good.. she somehow is the person i owe a lot.. she knew of my difficulties.. and i am glad to know that her situation is better than last year.. i hope that she wont resign though.. she is so high above now.. why change? i hope that she will eventually become my senior again.. but going for my own dreams means i am betraying janet.. but if i dont i will regret my life forever.. i ought to leave before i learnt too much and wasted her time.. it is a tradeoff.. then i choose my passion and dreams.. as i said, janet is friendly, way too much as compared to wica.. but i really missed being bullied by wica... i love the job better.. one month.. and nothing change my opinion of it.. and it only took me 2 weeks to bland in cptx 3 last year.. how i wish dreams can come true agin..

according to the kuan yin oracles.. i may have a chance.. and i hope that it will come true.. for i really want to cry.. for my passion, i deserve an opportunity.. i am willing to work hard for it.. but can it?? i am praying hard everyday.. i will get to return.. hopefully please.