a change of destiny??

i always knew that, name plays an important role in a person's life.. especially upon chinese people, who plays a more conservative role in their lives... which i do not deny that i too, own such a character.. but recently my mom got the idea that she want to try her very best to prevent us from all sorts of obstacles and bad luck... hence when she got to know that name can actually change a person's destiny.. she brought us to see a feng shui consultant.. who changed my name.. i always thought that my name was okay.. until i saw the effect from the calculation.. bad luck... short life.. unsuccessful..which actually is affecting my person altogether.. he told me the exact problem i faced in life.. i am a hardworking person, but my work is not very well appreciated by many others... which is exactly what the tarot card prediction said about me.. and my distance to success is always very close.. which explains my degree result and how close i am to my dream job but i was taken away..

thus, my initial name of 李玲金 had been changed into 李菱津 (the Ling is without the grass head thats it, because the word belongs to kangxi dictionary.. and it is not available in any other typical chinese dictionary.. i tried)... and now the change in the name, whether it will really bring success.. is yet to be seen.. still, i have to write 10 times of my new name for 100 days.. wow... and have a pendant made with my new name.. and to notify at least 5 other people with different surnames about this change.. the more the better of course..

in addition to that, went to sg wang later on and remove all the moles on my face.. well.. it is not fully removed yet.. but gosh.. it is painful! but they have to be removed because they bring gossips to my life and cause wealth to leave me.. but all these, are just traditional chinese believes..

changes made today will not mean i will forget the rest in my personal dictionary.. i will still keep my faith in Buddha.. and i will still be hardworking in whatever i do.. i will still try my very best in everything i do to attain my success.. but now.. i was told not to touch ginger for 2 weeks because my skin is sensitive.. well.. i guess eating salad is good eh? i can detox.. and diet at the same time.. not a bad idea eh?? hehe..

hope all is well upon these changes made to my life...

many things in a day...

yesterday had been quite a day for me.. never would i expect that the day will turn out this way.. i was expecting just a typical working day in office, doing what i am supposed to do and all... but then as i waited and waited, my senior did not appear again and no notification had been sent.. so i was told to text her, it turns out that she is on mc.. this is the 23rd day she left me alone on my own since i came but i understand it, that she is unwell.. although there are times, which i do not deny, that i envy others whose seniors were there most of the time for them.. i know her absence will somehow allow me to be more independent and able to stand on my two feet.. but seriously, when you got used to having someone noisy next to you, the sudden quietness is so difficult to bear sometimes..



just by arranging the ESOS thing really take up a long time, i never seen such long documents.. nor can i imagine what will happen if i am the one reading it.. i think i will vomit man.. ewwwww... although it is true that i am a finance, accounting and management graduate.. i admit to the fact that i never really have passion for finance.. and stock options contribute a major part of it.. to me, it is just boring stuff.. something i can call my lullaby when i am suffering from insonmia..



what are friends?? to me, a real do not have to be one that always stays with you, entertain you, talk to you about endless things under the sun.. but one that is always there for you when you need it.. and i rather play that role.. i do not need companion with me all the time, because to me, friends that are true are always in my heart, and never far away.. i believe that we are linked somehow from within the heart.. that is what i define friends as.

the worse thing is my e-dialouge.. i hate it man.. i rather do 100 assignments than that.. imagine you having to set goals for yourself for the next one year?? yerrr... i dont like la.. somemore i submitted the first copy last month after i passed probation.. then my PM did to review till yesterday and want me to amend and submit to her yesterday itself.. i did it.. but yerrr....

before i left, get to speak to wica.. feel so good to talk to her somehow.. my ex-senior who used to be so fierce towards me.. but yet she is such a wonderful friend.. really, something nowadays i tried not to think but there are times this thought will come back and attack me, and cause me to be at war with myself again.. i know it is really bad of me.. but i really do look forward to return there one day.. many people suddenly noticed Spot today, my little doggie handphone seater.. which is given to me by wica and auyong.. really want to and hope to return there and fulfil my own ambition one day..

ah.....finally...

Felt relieved suddenly.. after the grand rush from last friday till today.. thanks to my wonderful handsome japanese client.. (well, he is good looking when he was young, something which i cannot deny)... his departure tomorrow ought to be a safe one.. his boss really drive me crazy man.. its a she by the way.. first she said his file is located at shah alam, but it is in jalan duta.. which is also the most troublesome branch...gahhh... because it is about the only branch in klang valley which require everything at one go, anything short they will not accept.. tried kampung attap branch to help to certify his passport but is not successful.. because the branch is not an outstation branch.. tried to plead many times but none of the officers, including big shots, are willing to help.. so in the end, we have to, within 2 days, get everything done.. the tax return and its calculation.. as well as other stuff.. send to client as soon as we can to get it signed.. which was yesterday.. and today morning, i got it back, and off i rush to inland revenue board to submit it, thank goodness everything went alright, i am ever so thankful for it.. phew~~



went off at 10.30 but came back quite late, around 1.30 and i have yet to taken any lunch.. gosh, i was so so hungry.. that i know i must have something hot.. so off i went to daves deli with their 30% offer for all food!! spagetti.. i have a crave for it suddenly then.. thats what i had for lunch too.. hehe.. on my way there i met wica, my ex-senior from corporate tax.. dressed so pretty today.. but she is a very pretty woman from the beginning, and i admit she being my idol.. from last year, someone i hope to be like in the near future..

then after lunch, the client called and said she will send her driver to collect the passports.. wosh! and there i go rushing again.. after he collected it, i suddenly feel so relieved.. then i realised how tired i am.. i am so sleepy... maybe it is because i slept a bit late yesterday as well.. talking to mom... never have i expected that i have gone so far here.. but i know very well as well, what is suitable for me and what is not.. although i wont say that this job is not me.. but i have to say that i have preference over others.. something i expected out of myself and something i definitely want to achieve in the future.. because lingkimlee really really hate regrets in her life and try her very best to avoid it

a slightly better week

Another week came and past, and every second, every minute of our life went past as well.. we are constantly growing.. our minds are growing.. our thinking can be different every second of the day.. as we grow, we want to get better, to be strong in every way.. well, at least i know i am.. but sometimes some things just cannot be avoided.. sometimes we are being weight down by sadness and depressing things.. there are times when we felt so weak that we want to cry but we have to hold back our tears.. and tell ourselves to stay strong whatever happens..

Well, at least i know, despite this had been a very hocus pocus week.. it turned out to be better than the last.. maybe the main contributor is because my senior is back... wonder is it a fact that i am just too young or too weak.. but there are times i know that i feel like breaking down.. but since i am not one that shed tears easily either.. it is not too difficult to hold back.. being born with silent personality is very much a disadvantage.. i am what chinese says.."slow in heating up" --- man re.. and not the typical slow speed.. is super duper.. even i myself also cannot take it sometimes punya slow.. it seems as if only people who are fond of me who can really get the chance to know what can of person i am.. else i can survive speechless for a day.. i am even amazed by my this ability.. i remember at the age of 7... i am a girl who loves to talk.. very talkative indeed.. and all i get is a slap in front of a class of 50.. it seems like that very first humilation in life killed my talkativeness.. and with the events i have been through in life.. make me a tougher person than i look.. this is why i hate people who judge others by the cover.. but turned out to be the exact fact why i got transferred and it is definitely not fair..

got a leaver this week and yet another last minute information.. he is leaving next week.. wow.. and that is a lot to do for this one.. but let me say something in secret haha.. this japanese is quite cute when he is young.. now he looked older and plump.. hehehe.. went to granny's place today and get to see yingying, my 10 month old niece.. getting cute and mischiveous.. gosh, never seen a child who love to go gai gai so much.. got a visit today from my former tuition teacher (i only have one during my school days) and her family.. her daughter is 12 years younger than me and she is only about 5cm shorter than me... T.T why must i be such a dwaft?? ruomei!! donate some height to me man.. i really need it but cant get.. so sad.. some people tell me short is good, but i dont see being kawaii is something great.. because it is just different from my aim, from who i want myself to be..

think throughly this week while taking a day leave and stayed at home.. what do i really want?? then got my degree cert and look through the subjects.. the stressful 36 subjects which i have taken during my three years of undergraduate studies.. and realised how i missed viewing situations in the sense of corporate perspective.. i missed assets, liabilities and equities.. i missed financial statements and audited statements.. i missed the times in my final year when i went jogging at the lake almost every evening, missed those days when i felt stress when i stayed up up to 4am in the morning to study.. and looking at the pictures during my intern days.. the motivation that had push me to work so hard so that i can return to this company, to cptx.. only to face 2 disappointments at the same time.. i am 0.2% to first class and got transferred away without seeing my qualification by seeing my too young looking face..

i was once very hurt.. but eventually got used to it.. thanks to having a funny senior.. who make a wonderful friend.. despite my occasion yearning to return which i tried very hard to keep hidden and let it out when i lay alone in bed at night, so that i can be strong again the next day.. even if i am told to return now, i will request for the chance to be postponed to next year july.. because hurting someone who had been kind to be is worse than dealing with disappointment of my own.. it gives me a feeling of betrayal.. yet, i cant stay here forever as that will mean i might live with regret, as i time and again emphasise that i seriously hate regrets from the bottom of my heart.. so despite how much i love this company and how i called it home.. i wish to leave if an equal opportunity is not given to me to transfer by end of next year..

i dunno.. i felt as if i am constantly in a dilemma nowadays.. i do not hate the job in this department.. in fact, i kind of like it in a way.. but nothing will be able to replace that very first love.. but yet, i know very well.. i am young and i ought to learn more things... something different.. something more.. and that is what my 47 year old cousin said so as well.. i had been given a chance to learn something different.. so take it and be contented about it.. yes, and that is what i should practice.. i know that very well.. but sometimes it is very hard to convince myself.. i guess the wound is not totally healed yet.. it is still in my heart.. wonder when will it ever be.. i really want to know..

well.. at least overall.. it had been a much better week.. hope that next week too.. will be a great one.. =)

stress and exhaustion

it had been quite a not so good week for me.. and this cause me to be a bit depressing.. the second week without my senior really made me want to die.. i am expected to take up so many responsibilities.. which seem to have an adverse effect on me.. made me hate this job which i have never chosen for myself even more.. having no background in tax, it is already a challenge for me to take up this job.. and since i am not genius.. the high expectations i felt laced upon me is really killing me.. i mean, everyone make mistakes.. so what about me?? of course i will as well.. in addition to that, my 3 months here.. my senior 20 days absence really affect me as well.. and i hate people who give me that look that says.. i thought you are supposed to be smart.. really hate it.. nothing in this world can express my dislike for this job.. it seems to me that i am just working for the sake of working, there is no passion in it.. unlike last time, i will research more about it.. now i do not even have the motivation to.. what is happening to me??? where is the me i know all the time? or am i just surrending to a job i dislike so much??

i almost broke down on thursday.. my family is aware of it.. i am forcing myself to hold back my dislike.. i am still not happy with the decision of force.. especially when i know the girl who came in a month later than me, and whose result is far behind me is allowed to be where she belongs.. i do not deserve this but why is it happening to me?? why me?? sometimes i want to cry and i always tell myself to stay strong.. but i know very well.. this is not the job for me.. if a year later and i fail to transfer back, i am sorry, depsite how much i love the company, i have to say goodbye.. i just cannot take it anymore.. enough is enough..

despite this, something good happened anyhow.. i met sue ann.. just as pretty as anytime she is.. and i got to know that actually i did better in my degree than i expected.. i never knew that they did position arranging as well.. sue ann told me about that, and we have to ask on our own to know about our own position.. i got 4th.. which is quite good.. damn that 0.2% that ruin my opportunity to first class.. grrrr... but still, that make me top among the local students for my course.. followed by teng and sue ann.. that is still, something to cheer me up for a little while..

i watched meatballs!! it is nice.. and meaningful.. and the food there is delicious!! yum yum.. haha..

after seeing me so upset, mom went to a tarot card reader yesterday.. because i am pinning for corporate tax very badly.. i just dislike this job very much that i do it just because i have to.. and that is so stress, and i am exhausted.. the tarot card reader said this year chances for me to return is very rare, which i already know.. because the people who can help me is rather weak.. and that i am a very hardworking person, whatever i do, i put in the whole of my heart and effort to do it.. and the outcome is not appreciated by many people.. instead, it lures many gossips about me.. but i am one tough nut.. i am strong enough to bear it, just that i have to learn to smile at all critics.. i am confused now, which is true, i want to return so much but what is stopping me is that if i leave, my senior will be at a difficult position.. and i hate this betraying other people feel, i just wont forgive myself for commiting that, thats why i am confused.. generally, i am a very fillal child, and the tarot card reader asked whether i am in a relationship, sis told him i have never been, and he asked for my animal sign, which is rabbit.. he frown and calculate again.. he said that i ought to have one now.. an opportunity have passed.. but he said that the man for me should be a very tough guy, he cannot be a bit sissy or weak because i cannot tolerate it, adding that i am a very tough and independent girl, and i can survive without a partner at all.. he said i will probably meet the "him" at 25.. well.. about the age i think is appropriate anyway.. mom asked further about whether my studies will proceed well.. he said yes.. i am clever and hardworking enough to cope.. hopefully this is true.. but as for transferring department, not this year, because help for me is sadly little.. and what he said is true, my effort is very much less appreciated in this department..

but he also said that tarot cards are actually the most inaccurate fortune telling equipment as any changes in character will change the entire result.. hence i rather keep my faith and pray with all my heart, that i will get to return sooner than expected.. if not, sadly, i am leaving this company for others.. if i really love it here, then in the near future, i will return.. but i want it in the correct department the next time around.. i want to be able to plan my future.. not being forced into something i dislike and it is being planned by others...

jill and susan also said that they dont like here.. they will eventually transfer.. to total risk management.. jill, like me, who was transferred using the same reason and above that, she was an intern in this department and spent 6 months in cptx pool, agreed that she very much prefer corporate tax as well.. and she agreed on how unfair it is for me.. i hate it when they judge me by the cover, just because i look young, like a child due to my baby face, does not mean that i cant work.. and how unfair it cause me?? i cant even go to tax core 1 training like the others who came in the same batch as me..

according to horoscope.. next year will be a good year for me and i hope that it is true.. all i want is to get back to where i belong and create magic from there.. seriously, if i am to judge my working performance now.. others might think i am fine or good.. but to me, i barely pass.. i will keep my faith and pray very hard to get back.. pray for me and wish me luck as well peeps!!

finally, my senior is coming back next week.. i hope to be less stress.. i hate it sometimes of her frequent absence since i came.. i am only here for 3 months?? and they expect me to act like a senior???????? that is too much!!! although i am not stupid, i am not a genius either.. and that really exhaust me to the core and yet it is difficult for me to voice it out..

going independent

phew~~ i managed to past one week without my senior.. although yeah, it is so much more boring without her because the place suddenly seem more quiet and solemn, hence create stress in a way, especially, when i do not think i am independent enough yet.. because i have been here for a mere 3 months, in a department totally new to me.. learning to adapt and catch up itself prove to me a challenge for me, what more of its job scope.. since it is totally different from what i used to know, from the department i had always pledge my heart to but unable to get it... a dream that i still keep to myself and angry at myself for unable to achieve it despite my effort to request.. still, i do not want to disappoint myself, regardless how unwilling i am, i will still put my very best effort in whatever i do, just pray silently every night, that one day, i will be able to return to where i belong.. and finally to archive my dream

being left alone this week really make me having many mix feelings.. suddenly i am able to understand the fact of my senior unable to promote in a speed like the rest despite her age.. gosh she is messy is all i can say, when i start ransack the file of a client, i suddenly noticed a letter from the government which i never knew, exist at all, and it is received on late august.. which is so long now.. and that, i swear, give me a whole list of problems, now i have to appeal to the inland revenue board, because she never submit the revised tax computation to the government at all.. and the worst scenario is that, i cannot even locate the soft copy! i dunno how am i going to survive next week, for this is something that must go by next week, according to the normal rule.. and now that i am under the guidance of another senior.. haiz.. i must obey it, but anyway, if given the chance, i will follow it no matter how.. i just feel very disappointed at my senior for not doing things systematically.. well, i dunno, but i guess others should not put the blame on me that somehow, i tend to compare between her and my ex-senior, i still remember how systematic she can be.. when i admit on not having enough time, and that i will complete it tomorrow morning, she said its alright, she will do it herself for it is quite fast..

i feel so lost sometimes and i am not giving up.. for i think that it is the main reason for a person to attain success.. is to have this attitude.. and a heart that is forever willing to learn, although i felt the effect more and more nowadays..that if they want me to stay in this department forever, i rathe resign and start elsewhere, the more important thing is that, i am able to achieve my dreams as time and again, i made it clear to myself that i hate regrets.. regardless in the past, present or future, it will be the same.. i know i ought to say that in a straightforward manner, for her own good.. but i cant do it, because i hate hurting others as well.. made me feel so selfish.. i know it is human nature to be so, but i tried to avoid it whenever i could.. all i want now is to give my very best shot and hope for an excellent report next year just so i can return to where i belong..

i was very upset with the unfairness i am facing now.. seriously, what is this man?? not to say that i am jealous but i still cannot accept it.. one year, for one year i hope and dream of coming back, and in order to return, i worked so hard on my final year, although the best aim is not achieved in the end... but i am so close to it, then i came back just to have a second big blow.. and now a third and a fourth happen at the same time.. seems like i have suffered many disappointments this year eh? third is my disappointment on my own senior, i texted her to keep her updated whatever in the office, expect her to provide at least some guidance about the next step.. but instead, her reply is all about herself having a wonderful time travelling..

the fourth disappointment is despite my results for final year improved significantly and i am just 0.2% away from first class.. and i came from a reputable university.. nothing of these matters to the tax department, all they see is my baby face and their guess seems like i am not worthy to stay on in corporate tax and have me sent away, although i tried very hard to learn and keep up and stay on in good books of the department, but do others ever know how i felt deep inside my heart? whenever i see people from the department i want, i felt my heart sink to the very bottom and during depressing times, i want to break down and cry but i kept telling myself to stay strong, for one day, i will get what i deserve for sure.. but i am sad when the girl who came in a month later than i get to be kept in corporate tax, and she is a second lower degree holder from bottom ten university.. and now she is being allocated to a senior, who is my ex-senior.. i missed having her scolding and lecturing me like last time, for i cannot deny, she is a wonderful and effective trainer despite her fierceness.. because of her, teaching me about JAs and JRs.. i do not feel that it is torturing at all when i transferred here, which most of the time, i am dealing with those stuff.. all i can do to console myself is that, it is a good thing, i get to learn more and besides, staying in the department where i belong may cause a great delay in me passing probation, which i did one week ago.. for now, that girl is skeptical of her future and thinks that she will pass only after 6 months.. and i kept telling myself time and again, a person who is really talented and good is able to perform well wherever she is, whether she like it or not and i want to be that person.. for good performance will make me precious to them, and they will eventually learn to lose me in that department rather than lose me from the entire firm.. that is what i had been advised and why i am willing to stay on.. because i know i will skip disappointment on myself.. since i am such a kiasu person..

just learnt that two of my ex-classmates joined my firm this week! i am so happy, i am not the only nottingham person here anymore ever since pooiyan left.. now in came sue ann and jessica.. the two greatest beauties from my class.. and funny thing is that, none of us are in the same department.. no matter how, i just hope that all three of us will show the firm what it means to be a nottingham graduate and why we are far better than others, for i always believe that, our parents spent so much money for our tertiary education, we ought to show them, the strong and determine spirit.. we learnt from university..all the best to both of you! sue ann and jessica! =) cant wait to see both of you around.. whenever we have the chance..

jia you!! i will not give up no matter how suffering it is.. i hope i am doing great.. i hope what my senior said is true and not just a simple assumption.. i want to be good, i want to be successful, although not in this department, but i just want everything to be smooth so that in the near future, my request to return will be approved.. next year will be a better year and i hope that by then, my return will be successful and no obstacles will prevent my movement..

updates from this week

this is probably a week i will kind of remember.. but from next week onwards.. i will be quite lonely because my senior will not be around... too used to fact that there is someone noisy next to me.. someone whose personality is contradicting to my shockingly quiet character..

perhaps i should go day by day... monday... i know when my senior ask me, when did i join the firm, that it is the day to determine my fate... i am a bit shocked to find that this department rate people to that level of strictness.. but yeah, i passed my probation officially, which means from now on, should i want to tender my resignation, it will be one month notice, and not one week.. which i think is unlikely gua, unless i am really unhappy.. and that day is one of the few days when, my senior suddenly became so serious to me.. i appreciate her feedbacks.. i will try my best to change anyhow.. that during urgent moments, i ought to amend stuff in a flash and not read about it first..i will try my very best effort to catch up.. during lunch, i was told that her previous assistant never passed probation, at 7-8 months.. whatever.. it is none of my issue..

tuesday was quite peaceful and wednesday, i admitted to my performance manager that i do have high expectations on myself.. which she said is good.. yeah, in a way, it is i guess.. and i got FFK by a client.. its a korean guy, the way he talk is quite cute..hahaha.. but i did not meet him in the end... thursday... worked late because i need to ask all the necessary questions before my senior leaves.. she is going to travel for 2 weeks.. so nice!! envious... =p .. and i make sure i have enough work to bypass me for 2 weeks.. but seriously, i dislike reporting to her pairing.. dont think she is very helpful... the department clerk told me that this department is imperfect, of course i know.. very well indeed.. i still feel a bit sad when i see the green corporate files.. i still itch to touch it sometimes.. my hope of returning to cptx is not given up yet.. what are my dreams if we do not make an effort to chase it? i no longer am reluctant like i used to be at the beginning.. but sometimes when i see the place where i used to sit last year, i felt my heart sink a little and how i hope that i am there.. maybe i am just too quiet.. i am never those who will talk to others.. or the one who start a conversation.. but i make a good friend.. in a way i guess.. but why?? i was this quiet last year, yet i can feel what others felt from my heart, i can call this place home.. but this year, my entire mind revolves around responsibility, i ought to grow up and accept everything..

the girl who came in the same time as me.. resigned on monday because her mom is gravely ill.. so that makes me the remaining new person.. in the department.. i felt so sad for her.. poor girl.. who would want it to be like that?? but some told me perhaps it is a good way because she wont be passing her probation.. but still, i always believe that enough chances ought to be given to everyone to show their ability.. no one can blend into one thing in such a short period of time..

but the worse i learnt is that, the worse of office politics is backstabbing.. my senior said she knew that a team is silently forming within the department.. and she had been left out as well.. but she added that there is no backstabbing issues.. actually there is.. but the person i refer to, should be totally different from the group she is referring to.. i see it with my own eyes.. how effort have been uncherished.. how at the surface, they teach properly and at the back, they gossip that you are so childish.. and the victim is still sweetly innocent.. treat the culprit as a good friend.. such happenings may not hurt them now, but when they know.. the wound will bleed.. it is a method to kill others softly and silently yet painfully..

of course, humans will be humans.. if they dont gossip, something is very wrong.. and so to me, it is not something weird, but i just hope that all can live in peace and happiness.. to help one another.. understand one another.. that is what i picked up last year and to me, is the reason why long term friends can be attained.. senior came back for a short time today.. and add a bit of my workload.. as i say, i started to blend in.. and because i still want my first love to be an entie thing i wan to achieve next and each time in future..

will i ever have this chnce??