Saturday, October 17, 2009

stress and exhaustion

it had been quite a not so good week for me.. and this cause me to be a bit depressing.. the second week without my senior really made me want to die.. i am expected to take up so many responsibilities.. which seem to have an adverse effect on me.. made me hate this job which i have never chosen for myself even more.. having no background in tax, it is already a challenge for me to take up this job.. and since i am not genius.. the high expectations i felt laced upon me is really killing me.. i mean, everyone make mistakes.. so what about me?? of course i will as well.. in addition to that, my 3 months here.. my senior 20 days absence really affect me as well.. and i hate people who give me that look that says.. i thought you are supposed to be smart.. really hate it.. nothing in this world can express my dislike for this job.. it seems to me that i am just working for the sake of working, there is no passion in it.. unlike last time, i will research more about it.. now i do not even have the motivation to.. what is happening to me??? where is the me i know all the time? or am i just surrending to a job i dislike so much??

i almost broke down on thursday.. my family is aware of it.. i am forcing myself to hold back my dislike.. i am still not happy with the decision of force.. especially when i know the girl who came in a month later than me, and whose result is far behind me is allowed to be where she belongs.. i do not deserve this but why is it happening to me?? why me?? sometimes i want to cry and i always tell myself to stay strong.. but i know very well.. this is not the job for me.. if a year later and i fail to transfer back, i am sorry, depsite how much i love the company, i have to say goodbye.. i just cannot take it anymore.. enough is enough..

despite this, something good happened anyhow.. i met sue ann.. just as pretty as anytime she is.. and i got to know that actually i did better in my degree than i expected.. i never knew that they did position arranging as well.. sue ann told me about that, and we have to ask on our own to know about our own position.. i got 4th.. which is quite good.. damn that 0.2% that ruin my opportunity to first class.. grrrr... but still, that make me top among the local students for my course.. followed by teng and sue ann.. that is still, something to cheer me up for a little while..

i watched meatballs!! it is nice.. and meaningful.. and the food there is delicious!! yum yum.. haha..

after seeing me so upset, mom went to a tarot card reader yesterday.. because i am pinning for corporate tax very badly.. i just dislike this job very much that i do it just because i have to.. and that is so stress, and i am exhausted.. the tarot card reader said this year chances for me to return is very rare, which i already know.. because the people who can help me is rather weak.. and that i am a very hardworking person, whatever i do, i put in the whole of my heart and effort to do it.. and the outcome is not appreciated by many people.. instead, it lures many gossips about me.. but i am one tough nut.. i am strong enough to bear it, just that i have to learn to smile at all critics.. i am confused now, which is true, i want to return so much but what is stopping me is that if i leave, my senior will be at a difficult position.. and i hate this betraying other people feel, i just wont forgive myself for commiting that, thats why i am confused.. generally, i am a very fillal child, and the tarot card reader asked whether i am in a relationship, sis told him i have never been, and he asked for my animal sign, which is rabbit.. he frown and calculate again.. he said that i ought to have one now.. an opportunity have passed.. but he said that the man for me should be a very tough guy, he cannot be a bit sissy or weak because i cannot tolerate it, adding that i am a very tough and independent girl, and i can survive without a partner at all.. he said i will probably meet the "him" at 25.. well.. about the age i think is appropriate anyway.. mom asked further about whether my studies will proceed well.. he said yes.. i am clever and hardworking enough to cope.. hopefully this is true.. but as for transferring department, not this year, because help for me is sadly little.. and what he said is true, my effort is very much less appreciated in this department..

but he also said that tarot cards are actually the most inaccurate fortune telling equipment as any changes in character will change the entire result.. hence i rather keep my faith and pray with all my heart, that i will get to return sooner than expected.. if not, sadly, i am leaving this company for others.. if i really love it here, then in the near future, i will return.. but i want it in the correct department the next time around.. i want to be able to plan my future.. not being forced into something i dislike and it is being planned by others...

jill and susan also said that they dont like here.. they will eventually transfer.. to total risk management.. jill, like me, who was transferred using the same reason and above that, she was an intern in this department and spent 6 months in cptx pool, agreed that she very much prefer corporate tax as well.. and she agreed on how unfair it is for me.. i hate it when they judge me by the cover, just because i look young, like a child due to my baby face, does not mean that i cant work.. and how unfair it cause me?? i cant even go to tax core 1 training like the others who came in the same batch as me..

according to horoscope.. next year will be a good year for me and i hope that it is true.. all i want is to get back to where i belong and create magic from there.. seriously, if i am to judge my working performance now.. others might think i am fine or good.. but to me, i barely pass.. i will keep my faith and pray very hard to get back.. pray for me and wish me luck as well peeps!!

finally, my senior is coming back next week.. i hope to be less stress.. i hate it sometimes of her frequent absence since i came.. i am only here for 3 months?? and they expect me to act like a senior???????? that is too much!!! although i am not stupid, i am not a genius either.. and that really exhaust me to the core and yet it is difficult for me to voice it out..

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