going independent

phew~~ i managed to past one week without my senior.. although yeah, it is so much more boring without her because the place suddenly seem more quiet and solemn, hence create stress in a way, especially, when i do not think i am independent enough yet.. because i have been here for a mere 3 months, in a department totally new to me.. learning to adapt and catch up itself prove to me a challenge for me, what more of its job scope.. since it is totally different from what i used to know, from the department i had always pledge my heart to but unable to get it... a dream that i still keep to myself and angry at myself for unable to achieve it despite my effort to request.. still, i do not want to disappoint myself, regardless how unwilling i am, i will still put my very best effort in whatever i do, just pray silently every night, that one day, i will be able to return to where i belong.. and finally to archive my dream

being left alone this week really make me having many mix feelings.. suddenly i am able to understand the fact of my senior unable to promote in a speed like the rest despite her age.. gosh she is messy is all i can say, when i start ransack the file of a client, i suddenly noticed a letter from the government which i never knew, exist at all, and it is received on late august.. which is so long now.. and that, i swear, give me a whole list of problems, now i have to appeal to the inland revenue board, because she never submit the revised tax computation to the government at all.. and the worst scenario is that, i cannot even locate the soft copy! i dunno how am i going to survive next week, for this is something that must go by next week, according to the normal rule.. and now that i am under the guidance of another senior.. haiz.. i must obey it, but anyway, if given the chance, i will follow it no matter how.. i just feel very disappointed at my senior for not doing things systematically.. well, i dunno, but i guess others should not put the blame on me that somehow, i tend to compare between her and my ex-senior, i still remember how systematic she can be.. when i admit on not having enough time, and that i will complete it tomorrow morning, she said its alright, she will do it herself for it is quite fast..

i feel so lost sometimes and i am not giving up.. for i think that it is the main reason for a person to attain success.. is to have this attitude.. and a heart that is forever willing to learn, although i felt the effect more and more nowadays..that if they want me to stay in this department forever, i rathe resign and start elsewhere, the more important thing is that, i am able to achieve my dreams as time and again, i made it clear to myself that i hate regrets.. regardless in the past, present or future, it will be the same.. i know i ought to say that in a straightforward manner, for her own good.. but i cant do it, because i hate hurting others as well.. made me feel so selfish.. i know it is human nature to be so, but i tried to avoid it whenever i could.. all i want now is to give my very best shot and hope for an excellent report next year just so i can return to where i belong..

i was very upset with the unfairness i am facing now.. seriously, what is this man?? not to say that i am jealous but i still cannot accept it.. one year, for one year i hope and dream of coming back, and in order to return, i worked so hard on my final year, although the best aim is not achieved in the end... but i am so close to it, then i came back just to have a second big blow.. and now a third and a fourth happen at the same time.. seems like i have suffered many disappointments this year eh? third is my disappointment on my own senior, i texted her to keep her updated whatever in the office, expect her to provide at least some guidance about the next step.. but instead, her reply is all about herself having a wonderful time travelling..

the fourth disappointment is despite my results for final year improved significantly and i am just 0.2% away from first class.. and i came from a reputable university.. nothing of these matters to the tax department, all they see is my baby face and their guess seems like i am not worthy to stay on in corporate tax and have me sent away, although i tried very hard to learn and keep up and stay on in good books of the department, but do others ever know how i felt deep inside my heart? whenever i see people from the department i want, i felt my heart sink to the very bottom and during depressing times, i want to break down and cry but i kept telling myself to stay strong, for one day, i will get what i deserve for sure.. but i am sad when the girl who came in a month later than i get to be kept in corporate tax, and she is a second lower degree holder from bottom ten university.. and now she is being allocated to a senior, who is my ex-senior.. i missed having her scolding and lecturing me like last time, for i cannot deny, she is a wonderful and effective trainer despite her fierceness.. because of her, teaching me about JAs and JRs.. i do not feel that it is torturing at all when i transferred here, which most of the time, i am dealing with those stuff.. all i can do to console myself is that, it is a good thing, i get to learn more and besides, staying in the department where i belong may cause a great delay in me passing probation, which i did one week ago.. for now, that girl is skeptical of her future and thinks that she will pass only after 6 months.. and i kept telling myself time and again, a person who is really talented and good is able to perform well wherever she is, whether she like it or not and i want to be that person.. for good performance will make me precious to them, and they will eventually learn to lose me in that department rather than lose me from the entire firm.. that is what i had been advised and why i am willing to stay on.. because i know i will skip disappointment on myself.. since i am such a kiasu person..

just learnt that two of my ex-classmates joined my firm this week! i am so happy, i am not the only nottingham person here anymore ever since pooiyan left.. now in came sue ann and jessica.. the two greatest beauties from my class.. and funny thing is that, none of us are in the same department.. no matter how, i just hope that all three of us will show the firm what it means to be a nottingham graduate and why we are far better than others, for i always believe that, our parents spent so much money for our tertiary education, we ought to show them, the strong and determine spirit.. we learnt from university..all the best to both of you! sue ann and jessica! =) cant wait to see both of you around.. whenever we have the chance..

jia you!! i will not give up no matter how suffering it is.. i hope i am doing great.. i hope what my senior said is true and not just a simple assumption.. i want to be good, i want to be successful, although not in this department, but i just want everything to be smooth so that in the near future, my request to return will be approved.. next year will be a better year and i hope that by then, my return will be successful and no obstacles will prevent my movement..