Humans...

Quoted from Confucius.. A man is clean and kind in depth from the moment of his birth, it is the experience and environment overtime that changes him to become worse than what he is before..

Quoted from Han Fei Tsu.. A man is ignorant when he is young, it is the experience that changes him to become wiser and more ethical...

Of the two, i choose to believe confucius.. yes, both are respectable philosophers of the past, but based on their perspective, what confucius said is more true, and thats my point of view.. this is because, it is proven, look at the children around us, they are innocent and sweet, and they have proper mannerism when taught properly, but such sweet children may eventually change to become wild and unfavourable when they are older, why? it is due to what they have been through mainly...

or is it that some people are just born evil and greedy?? and this cause them being unsuccessful in life, but they will but the blame on others instead... they love fame and taking from others, but dislike to be the other way round, and yet, they wonder why they have so few friends... i have known a person like that all my life.. this person, could have been better if he knows how to change himself for the better, unfortunely, he choose not to.. sorry to say, this person happens to be my own father..

i have just finished a HK series last night, it may be those olden type story, well.. should i say something i am comfortable with?? i dunno.. for some reason, from young, i felt pretty connected to the olden type of china movies and stories, people suspect that i am part of somebody who live in the palace or rather, a concubine or something.. LOL.. nvm

i think a person have to practice kindness all the time, like what the movie taught me, speak good words, do good deeds and show goodwill, i believe that one good deed deserve another, hence, if one is with a kind heart, even if nobody assist him or her, Buddha or God above will bless them, they will live a rather warm and happy life, of course, not without obstacles, everyone have obstacles and challenges.. but theirs get sorted out easier...

and i think people ought to work hard in life.. it is when we work hard, if we know how to enjoy the torture and suffering, everything in this world can be a source of enjoyment, like eating lotus seeds... it is bitter on its own, but there is a bit of sweetness in it.. that describe life alright.. i know i was pretty incorporative during the beginning of my job, because i was still fighting against my own wishes, dreams and conscience... i was not happy with the situation they out me in - without a choice to be made.. but i tried to enjoy it, in some ways and times, i managed to.. although till now, i know i cant be in this line forever, i am not those who can live with regrets because time and again i emphasize, i hate it so so so much... i want to achieve my own dreams and be in the right department, but i have no regrets to stay here and learn a lot.. an entire different knowledge and although when i start missing my rightful department, i tend to get upset and sometimes cry (when i am not those who cry at all) ... but i know i will not regret it.. for life..

i hate people who expect gold will fall from the sky and go into their pockets, i hate liars, betrayals, cheaters, backstabbers, i think all of them are a nuisance.. dumb people.. and in addition, if they are lazy, and they just love fame too much that they will not admit it, rather, they choose to put the blame on others on it.. they will not apologise when they know they did something wrong and expect people to forgive them regardless what.. and, they just love to show off... they like to pick on the mistakes on others, say when you did something wrong, they scold you stupid in the public, when you are tired after a long day work, and you just want to rest, while he wants you to work as he does not want to do it himself, he call you lazy.. and the worst is, he takes the sacrifice of others for his own benefit, as if it is his own.. because admiting it will mean lose face.. i really hate people like that, and i have just met a person like that in the whole of my life, yet i cannot hate him, since he is my own father..

time and again he wants to borrow money.. this time it is enough, my mom is not working and she does not deserve to be his financer... what kind of man is he? have he any guts at all? how i want to curse it.. but i cant.. just hope that he will awake one day, if such hope actually come true.. i dunno..

sigh!! humans..

confused... and missing my darlings..

I can only say.. i am too much of a tough nut.. perhaps a bit too tough that made me into a stubborn woman.. whatever i desperately want, it means i really need it, to achieve that target, i am willing to sacrifice anything in the world... including my own life.. opps.. that sounds a bit exaggerating? but i swear it is true... because only when you get hold of that something.. you will be satisfied.. and whenever you are facing it.. unconditionally, you can smile just by doing it, despite the challenges and risks that is associate together, that is because.. self actualisation have been achieved (err-hemm.. i quoted maslow's hierarchy of needs again)...

I really thought that i have recovered from the wound and hurt in my heart.. it seems like the 3 months in 2008 have really made a difference in my life.. it practically turn my life upside down.. changed me forever.. from a childish girl into someone who can handle situations in a much mature character.. now, i do work for the sake of my responsibilities.. i hardly smile.. in office.. how can i turn back to those times? those days when even i got tortured, i can smile unconditionally.. still, i manage to be an employee with a certain standard.. having no proper background.. i want to return more and more, i know i have to, when yesterday, i dreamt of going back, dreamt of those days.. but how??? i know my senior purposely postpone in reviewing my dialouge because she dont want to let me go.. she just dont understand i can cry because of this, because i have always appeared strong in front of her.. nobody will expect me to cry.. perhaps i really have to beg.. now that i know i have competitors.. but i really think i ought to be given priority because there is where i am supposed to be.. this put me into a very difficult and confused position.

i want to keep my promise of two years.. but if i do, in the end, i will hurt this department more, because by then, i will be a senior, and without holding my portfolio for a year, i leave, this is so irresponsible.. i just cant let myself do it.. thus in the past week, i have been giving her a few hints.. i told her she is very good at teaching, implying her that, even if i leave.. she can easily train another assistant.. she did not get it at first.. eventually she did, for the next day, she told me, she do not have the patience to teach.. in other words.. asking me not to go.. sometimes i want to quote something she have in the desktop of her former laptop.. when you have a dream, you have two choices, one, wake up and chase after it, or fall back to sleep, the choice is yours.. yes, the choice is mine, i want to make do my life and not controlled or constrained by anyone.. i am an individual after all, with a freedom to decide what to do in life.. not her slave.. i mean, i enjoyed being her assistant, she is a wonderful and understanding senior, but i want to decide my own life..

i hate hurting her, but if i dont, i will hurt myself and the entire department, which include her, much more deeply.. then it is better for her to get hurt this year rather than next year, the whole department is wounded.. so tell me, chasing my own dreams is the right choice to make.. i only want to see my blogs happy again.. like those i used to post at my old friendster blog and now, i dont even have the courage to view them.. for i know, i will cry in the end..

and this department really took up too much of my time, when i tried out some cpa questions mentally just now in the bookshop, i am so sacred.. i cant remember things i have learnt during degree.. how can i achieve my aim of high distinction like that?? seems like i really have to study a lot.. from now on.. in addition, i feel so sorry because i hardly get to keep in touch with my darlings.. seeing their comments everywhere.. i feel so sorry because i took such a long time to revert.. i missed them dearly, i missed those days when we were together, through best and worst times.. yet i felt so sorry, because i often reach home at 11pm, i am too tired to go online... i can only flip 2 pages of my studies and off i go, to sleep..

i am so very sorry my dears.. i really love you all.. i feel so bad... if, i get to change department, you guys will see more of me.. other than july - august, but at least, i have more free time than now.. pray for me please if you see this post.. i hate ditching you all as well... you guys are always my babes.. i love all of you, from deep within my heart and soul.. my darling sisters..

my sister got an internship offer from my co.. but interview??? this is the first time i heard that internship require interview... so i think with her results, high recommendation from kenny and the dean award, which is too powerful.. i start to suspect that, they are offering her a job and not only an internship opportunity.. i dunno.. merely my guess based on what i know of my company..

I want to go "home"

It is not me.. this is not me.. physically, it is me, but emotionally and in depth of the heart, it is just not me... I am not a person who will grow tired of something quickly.. i can do the same thing over and over again and still feel happy and willing doing it, still able to derive satisfaction from doing it, still able to smile doing it, still able to have that unconditional soft happiness that cannot be describe doing it unless, that is not something my heart desire...and i know it very well...

Those days, especially during first year in university, i hate finance, a lot.. but overtime, i am able to overcome it.. in fact, during my final year, although the subject will never be my best friend, but it has become my good friend.. and much to my very own surprise, i scored pretty well in it in the end, maybe it is because boss is there to help me, right giang? i miss you a lot..

As mentioned in my previous post, i was given an opportunity to go back.. at first, i really think i can last here for 2 years, but as time passes, as i began to think in-depth.. as i began to ask myself questions.. do i really want it?? i missed this company so much ever since i left as an intern in august 2008, i dreamt of this place every night, i vision this place when i take my evening walks and still felt the sweet memories rewind, i can still smile just by the thought of those days, until the big disappointment that occured in july 2009.. i was transferred to a department that i never wanted.. of course it is difficult for me to adapt.. and i am not those people who like to talk a lot at the first place... so liaison duties.. anyone can tell that it is not me.. despite that, i tried my very best and i can adjust to my duties after a long struggle, much longer than my own expectations, i am disappointed at my own progress...

i have zero formal education in tax, but i can follow up so far because i am willing to learn, thats all.. many may not believe this fact, not even my own senior, to the extent that yesterday, i have to produce my degree results as a prove... but after the offer from last week... i told a friend, who eventually told her ex-senior, a great and respectable yet friendly girl, yivon.. and when we spoke through office communicator, she urge me to take up the offer and come back, they need people now..

as i think more and more, i can only make one conclusion.. this is not what i wanted.. those days as an intern.. i dont talk... i work and although over there, life is super quiet, but i am happy, freely and unconditionally happy, felt from the bottom of my heart.. whereas now, although i have adapted to this environment, and i considered myself more sociable than before, but it seems like i am working for the sake of working, nothing more.. what happned to happiness???

my principal have always been one... work is not about using the head and the hands to earn a living, it is about passion, something to be felt from in depth of the heart, something that cannot described.. and that place.. still remains one and none other, corporate tax have always been my darling.. nothing can substitute it, ever..

i am now really tempted to make a return, to the place that have been my "home" since june 2008, but now, i know many people in this department is tempted to return as well.. will i succeed? please tell me i can.. for there is probably nothing i want more, in life..

Tired.. sleepy...

It is Sunday.. if it is just another normal Sunday, i would have sleep until 11.30am, then got up, slumber around doing my own work, taking my own sweet time.. but not today.. i am at office since 11am.. and now, i am just done with what i am suppose to do.. and tomorrow will be another day.. i hardly had any rest it seems.. especially i have to work late often even on weekdays.. well.. i asked for it, i have no regrets though despite being tired..

friday night was... i have no comments at all... i came home, had my dinner, then prayers..bathe.. it is around 12 am.. and off i sleep.. and the next thing i knew, i woke up at 12 pm.. guess the accumulated tiredness have finally been, realesed.. once and for all.. and i know coping with studies now is not an easy work, all i can do is that, constantly console myself that i can do it because there is obviously no reason i cant..

i heard a piece of news about uni.. well.. although i really miss uni.. and its environment and surroundings, and especially, my dearest friends.. i cant help but to feel sorry for uni.. and my juniors.. those starting foundation in april 2010.. malaysia is really back to the stoneage, or rather, too bias over local and australia education.. the PM himself graduated from the same uni as i.. but his wife is such a aussie edu lover, and their children? they are in USA.. what on earth.. aussie edu is that, with 3 years of education, you can get a degree, it is only until you complated the 4th year, you will get honours.. and for us, 3 years alone is sufficient to get both.. and now, the government disallow it.. so my juniors may have to do 4 years of degree.. while those who enrol in UK.. 3 years.. in this case, might as well go to UK.. i hope uni will come out with a solution to solve it.. say.. give them an MA or MSC in the 4th year? it is a wonder if this is allowed..

to me, this is absolutely nonsense.. we are a pretigious university, and as its graduate, i am more proud than ever.. because we got through the suffering in the past, we are able to adapt quickly in the working environment.. we caught up quickly, with no problems at all.. may seem a bit proud here, but i must announce.. despite myself having zero background in tax.. i caught up eventually because i have been through the worse.. those days.. tears flow because the stress is too much.. i remembered twice in my uni life.. at night, lock in my own room, i cried with no reason at all.. chances are cause by stress which made me emotional.. but both times, cried 4 hours straight, and after that, convince myself to get up again and never to give up, ever..

wica came over to my place for a few minutes on friday. she just came back from thailand and got me a small souvernir.. that is so sweet of her.. she still remember me, and she asked me if i am busy, which sadly, i am.. very.. determining the taxable benefit for the assignees of newfield restricted stock programme is killing me.. why IRB is so ma fan? must prorate their employment period to see the taxable benefit of RSA and stock options? i have to calculate them one by one.. and there are 12 of them involve.. this is very time consuming.. dang.. i miss having wica as my senior, fierce as she is, she is a friend.. not to say that janet is not.. both are actually very good friends to me.. but i guess by trust from the heart, in view that i am born a rabbit, and my soul mate is a dog, which is wica, and my enemy by birth is roaster, which sadly, is janet.. i am a very conservative person i guess.. but that is who i am.. i love janet and i know she cherish me very well.. but somehow, i am used to being strict to myself.. LOL.. guess as a notts student, i have a bit of self-torture attitude..

carolyn joined kpmg this week.. welcome carolyn!! hope you will like it here..

told janet about ms teh issue just now.. which now i think i should not have done so.. maybe, it is better for me to get approval from boss.. i want to return someday, really.. but nvm.. lets hope despite this, i can still get the opportunity successfully.. attaining own's ambition is something everyone wants to achieve.. so do i.. and although i really love this company like my home.. if in the future, i am unable to transfer.. say by January 2013.. then i have no choice but to bid farewell.. this place have been my home since June 2008, but home is the place that abuses me, then i will have to leave..

It is not that i dont like the department i am at now, i like it.. but i just dont want to regret the whole of my life on some ambition that could have been achieved but i just gave up due to destiny arrangement.. i am not that kind of person, even if it will take up my life to do it, i will.. because i am willing to sacrifice anything in this world to attain a dream which is deemed to be achievable..

hope everything will turn out fine in the end though.. i am a very greedy person, i want to ace in my own work and studies, and above all, i want to achieve my dreams..

is lady luck by my side?

Time and again, i worry.. i fear.. i felt demotivated, because i really think there is not much hope for me to get what i want here, sometimes i felt that i am like a puppet, especially at the beginning stage when i first got one of my biggest disappointment in 2009, at that time, all i have within the heart was hatred.. and the most difficult situation is that i have to fight with inner myself.. even that time i understand that life must go on.. but my attachment to my memories make it difficult for me to move on..

Time, is the healing point.. as time goes, i got used to where i am.. and above all this, i am really thankful and blessed that i have a great senior.. warm and kind hearted.. and my colleagues, which i previously mistaken as unfriendly.. are actually like me.. not the type that is sociable at the first time met... on the contary, what we need is time, and time proves to be the main medicine for everyday.. the healing of the wound in my heart.. and getting friends..

but still, i am young and i ought to be aggressive... and the ambition in my heart remains burning, i still have hope to attain it and up to yesterday, i felt quite hopeless.. everyone have been telling me how scary she really is.. and i was thinking.. okay, maybe there is not much hope for me to second over, much more than transfer.. and i was thinking once my CPA bonding with the company is over.. i will resign and start in another company all over again in the field i really want, at least, i do not have to regret, since i really hate regrets and i get to learn more, something different..which is very much to my own advantage..

i kept on postponing until today.. and when i walked out to ta pau lunch, i was still in fear.. thinking how am i going to face that woman later.. if she is really that scary.. but the problem is officially solved 20 minutes later.. i am on my way back from ta pau and i saw her.. suddenly, much to my own surprise, approach me.. does hard work and ability of a person really travels? suddenly i felt she is so much more friendly to me than i ever remember... so i took the opportunity to ask about my secondment.. she said it is better for me to approach my own boss to ask for permission, as long as my boss is ok and she inform her, she will welcome me anytime... i was shocked...

she even said if i want to transfer back at the end of my secondment.. i can get permission and she will be happy.. but i said i have already settled down.. and agreed to live with the 2 year rule.. at least, i get to learn more... then, it was her turn to look surprised.. but she added that she is happy for me..

well.. lets hope that i can successfully get back then, one day! =)