I can only say.. i am too much of a tough nut.. perhaps a bit too tough that made me into a stubborn woman.. whatever i desperately want, it means i really need it, to achieve that target, i am willing to sacrifice anything in the world... including my own life.. opps.. that sounds a bit exaggerating? but i swear it is true... because only when you get hold of that something.. you will be satisfied.. and whenever you are facing it.. unconditionally, you can smile just by doing it, despite the challenges and risks that is associate together, that is because.. self actualisation have been achieved (err-hemm.. i quoted maslow's hierarchy of needs again)...
I really thought that i have recovered from the wound and hurt in my heart.. it seems like the 3 months in 2008 have really made a difference in my life.. it practically turn my life upside down.. changed me forever.. from a childish girl into someone who can handle situations in a much mature character.. now, i do work for the sake of my responsibilities.. i hardly smile.. in office.. how can i turn back to those times? those days when even i got tortured, i can smile unconditionally.. still, i manage to be an employee with a certain standard.. having no proper background.. i want to return more and more, i know i have to, when yesterday, i dreamt of going back, dreamt of those days.. but how??? i know my senior purposely postpone in reviewing my dialouge because she dont want to let me go.. she just dont understand i can cry because of this, because i have always appeared strong in front of her.. nobody will expect me to cry.. perhaps i really have to beg.. now that i know i have competitors.. but i really think i ought to be given priority because there is where i am supposed to be.. this put me into a very difficult and confused position.
i want to keep my promise of two years.. but if i do, in the end, i will hurt this department more, because by then, i will be a senior, and without holding my portfolio for a year, i leave, this is so irresponsible.. i just cant let myself do it.. thus in the past week, i have been giving her a few hints.. i told her she is very good at teaching, implying her that, even if i leave.. she can easily train another assistant.. she did not get it at first.. eventually she did, for the next day, she told me, she do not have the patience to teach.. in other words.. asking me not to go.. sometimes i want to quote something she have in the desktop of her former laptop.. when you have a dream, you have two choices, one, wake up and chase after it, or fall back to sleep, the choice is yours.. yes, the choice is mine, i want to make do my life and not controlled or constrained by anyone.. i am an individual after all, with a freedom to decide what to do in life.. not her slave.. i mean, i enjoyed being her assistant, she is a wonderful and understanding senior, but i want to decide my own life..
i hate hurting her, but if i dont, i will hurt myself and the entire department, which include her, much more deeply.. then it is better for her to get hurt this year rather than next year, the whole department is wounded.. so tell me, chasing my own dreams is the right choice to make.. i only want to see my blogs happy again.. like those i used to post at my old friendster blog and now, i dont even have the courage to view them.. for i know, i will cry in the end..
and this department really took up too much of my time, when i tried out some cpa questions mentally just now in the bookshop, i am so sacred.. i cant remember things i have learnt during degree.. how can i achieve my aim of high distinction like that?? seems like i really have to study a lot.. from now on.. in addition, i feel so sorry because i hardly get to keep in touch with my darlings.. seeing their comments everywhere.. i feel so sorry because i took such a long time to revert.. i missed them dearly, i missed those days when we were together, through best and worst times.. yet i felt so sorry, because i often reach home at 11pm, i am too tired to go online... i can only flip 2 pages of my studies and off i go, to sleep..
i am so very sorry my dears.. i really love you all.. i feel so bad... if, i get to change department, you guys will see more of me.. other than july - august, but at least, i have more free time than now.. pray for me please if you see this post.. i hate ditching you all as well... you guys are always my babes.. i love all of you, from deep within my heart and soul.. my darling sisters..
my sister got an internship offer from my co.. but interview??? this is the first time i heard that internship require interview... so i think with her results, high recommendation from kenny and the dean award, which is too powerful.. i start to suspect that, they are offering her a job and not only an internship opportunity.. i dunno.. merely my guess based on what i know of my company..
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