A busy roller coaster life

Goodness.. Never expect that more than 1 month had passed since I last update this blog, it is as if i am abandoning it, but it was due to my busy life nowadays... I think I have a lot to say, but now I am not sure whether I still remember what I want to speak out..

The weather is weird nowadays and many people fell sick as a result of that, the same goes to myself, I am sort of feverish few days back, but I still have to pull myself together and come to work, just knock out when I reach home. I am way too busy now that I am assisting 4 seniors (thank goodness it will come to an end soon), sometimes I felt that I miss helping only 1 senior so much, because sometimes, i tend to get a bit confused since everyone have different styles, it is quite hard to please everybody.. Plus an advisory which goodness knows why I put in more effort than my own senior.. sigh~~

Lets see, what do I have to put down in wiritng and remember? Ah yes, the skit which I wrote, a horror-comedy skit, it was a success, thank goodness for having a wonderful director, tiffany and great actors, veon, janet and mr lee, and as well as alice and angel, i think the skit is okay, very much to my contentment, just pray hard that it will at least reach the final for i have invested a lot of my own heart and soul in it.

There was the trip to the organic farm, a place which taught me a lot about nature's healing, it was tiring but a great trip! and thank you boss for sponsoring this trip^^..

Next, it was that advisory which turn my life upside down.. sigh!! lets hope that it will finally be finalised now, i am tired, really.. takes up too much of my time. Been going home pretty late these days, and i am suppose to start studying too!!

Chatted with yivon 3 weeks back at 3 am in the morning, and understand that sometimes, moving to commercial does not mean that it is good, yes, being in big 4 consist of a lot of work, what you sacrifice is your own leisure time and personal time, even sleep.. but when she move on to commercial, although life is easier, because you finish work on time, but the politics there never end, i think she must have been the victim, this is why she said such things.. hmmm..

And I have also witnessed some sensitiveness and minor politics in the department, in fact, it is still existing and running in fact. From my understanding, the situation begun when cheng decided to join our table for next month's annual dinner this year, and i of course, my colleague added my name in, so it is a pretty easy flow, but as cheng join us, it is also mean that she has abandoned chin, hooi and joo, and they felt it, somehow, that feeling is stronger in chin, and i, being naive, asked her why is she so angry on one of her notes at the office communicator, she was writing in chinese, it means a friend betrayed her, but isnt that every individual's choice on where to sit? why does she have to be so sensitive? i do not understand.. sigh~~

i thought maybe, a short while later she will forget, after all, we are colleagues, which are supposed to be friends right? but maybe I was not feeling so well on tuesday and very busy, thats why i did not speak much to her, has she misunderstood? because according to another colleague, on tuesday night, her mood report in facebook state that there is no friendship in office, is she referring to us? she was on medical yesterday and was so quiet today, it is hard to understand why... why so sensitive? maybe women being emotional is just natural, but sometimes, perhaps we all should think beyond our own boundaries right?

a simple problem lead to the complication of life and make yourself upset, is it worth it? i do not think so, with such problems, add on with endless work and studies to cope, i think i am fainting soon.. such roller coaster..

thats my guessing, but could it be true?

No matter how much a woman want to deny the fact the she is an emotional animal, the truth remains.. Maybe that is due to us having too much progesterone in our bodies.. we produce them and they control us.. making us sensitive to emotions and affections.. Like my previous blog.. I wrote that when i was full of emotions of disappointment, sadness and loneliness.. but now when i look back at it.. only did i realised that how emotional i can be..

Based on my analysis this week.. perhaps, it is not the fault of the friend i refer to in my previous blog.. i should have been more understanding, i have become so unbecoming.. how could i be so thoughtless? silly silly me.. just because i am a female filled with endless emotions and desire for affections.. when come to think of it, i felt so childish and ashamed of myself..

When i think and analyse further, could it be mood swings? or is it because it has been sometime i am not sitting next to her, it has become so difficult for me to know what is happening to her and to sense her feelings and thoughts? I used to be able to, yet i do not know the reason why, it was the same with wica.. i can sense the feelings of people quite easily, as long as i chose to do it.. if i dont, now thats a different story altogether..

She went for a fertility treatment during late august, she have been hiding that fact quite deeply, perhaps she still has the fear that she is unable to bear children.. but time and again i think she is hinting me something, only that i am too blind and slow-witted to sense it.. I remembered that on October 2nd.. i was told to go back and work.. because she wanted to treat me lunch as a belated birthday pressie.. and she did mentioned something about wanting a daughter very desperately, and even to the extent asking when a woman is in confinement period, is it ok to work in the kitchen... which i strongly against it..

Then during the subsequent weeks, her mood swings are so strong that it has become so unpredictable, i am kind of fond of her, so most of the time, i am able to sense her feelings.. but in the past few weeks, sometimes i felt that her mood fluctuates so strongly and frequently that i do not know her at all.. she never scolded me in the past.. and i cant believed that she tick me off for something i never did wrong in the first place as mentioned in my previous blog...

Then on thursday night, i asked whether she will attend annual dinner this year, i was very surprised when she said maybe not, due to the fact that she is pretty much a hyperactive person and she love parties.. for what i know about her, so i took a step forward and ask why.. she said yet to be seen.. if she is expecting by then.. maybe she will not attend.. i simply nodded.. but when i got home and give it a thought, it doesnt sound right, normally she will not talk like that unless there really is something.. perhaps she is afraid that her own health is not that good and not suitable to attend dinner if she is expecting? or what i think and guess.. actually she is expecting now.. and by december she will start to show, thats why she do not want to attend? i dunno.. but my senses tell me that the 2nd choice seems more likely...

Then i think back about wednesday afternoon when she brought her own food to office.. which is quite a large quantity.. i had the same feeling as well.. my other colleague saw it too and asked her how come she is eating so much, she simply replied PMS.. when actually, i was expecting her to announce that she is eating for two...

Yesterday was budget night, and i helped out with the dinner.. distributing dinner to those in the rooms.. hmmm.. most of it went well.. one manager was pretty demanding and she expect us the send it to them when we are supposed to only deliver dinner to those in the rooms.. another problem came when the list we had was not updated and so a director and an associate director complained about that.. the worse case came when susan and i are supposed to be off from work.. we told an admin boy to look after the last box of rice and arrange to send it to 1 partner (who is the fiercest one), but then another partner who did not order came along and thought that it is simply an extra box and just took it away to eat.. and the admin boys did not stop him!! so we have to come back and explain it to the group leader and luckily she said she will explain it to that fierce partner.. whew!!!

When i bought the drinks in the afternoon.. using my own money in a separate bill.. i got two v-soy, one was because i was craving for the creamy soya milk, as i dont usually consume that drink until i came across to v-soy.. my senior is same as well.. so i got her a bottle.. when i finished my job that night, i came by to disturb her, as there does not seem to have much changes in the tax this year, she was pretty free.. so i get to speak to her.. she thank me for it, she ate her rice and curry puff and yet she said she is still hungry.. thank goodness i got her the drink to fill her up (maybe just temporary).. but i am glad that it helps...

For the first time, i felt her care upon me.. she told me to go back earlier to sleep as in the past moments, i hardly slow down and rest.. and somehow, despite how i tried to hide it, she seems to know that i am tired.. i felt so thankful even for the small little care she had for me...

And i still do not deny one thing, i miss sitting next to her a lot!! i am so envious of another colleague of the same position as i, who joined the firm 6 months before me who still can sit next to someone she is fond of, and yet i cant because i am not limited to assist her alone anymore.. i am also obligated to help 3 others.. but i really miss the days when i am solely under her alone.. the days which have become a past now and will soon become history.. but they will remain as beautiful memories in my life.. and i am thankful to have them under lock and key in my heart..

I am human, alive and not a doll

I am human... I think everyone knows that, otherwise how on earth can i talk and walk, have emotions and feelings and think? But sometimes, I cant help but to wonder, why must I be treated like a doll? I mean, I know the life is never fair and is never perfect, we are bound to have mistakes and we have our bumps in life.. But when such things happened, I hate it when people just simply blame it on others, just to make themselves feeling better.. They hurt others.

I remembered I was once like that years ago.. And I learnt a lesson that hurt me more than I hurt others, from that time onwards, I learnt to be truthful to myself, be truthful to others, I guess that was how I developed my straightforward nature and wait I hate lies so much... After all, come to think of it, of my own childish self years ago, what is there to gain if you lie? By telling the truth, at least your self conscience is clear and clean.. But by telling lies, you can concile the truth (which most of the time, will not last long either) but can you live a clean and truthful life? I do not think so...

So come back to my topic, I was pretty hurt these days by the on-off treatment.. Sometimes I cant help to wonder, is it because when your value to others are depreciating, people will tend to forget about you? Although that time, when the proposal came out and I am supposed to switch place, she told me that once, she had another assistant whom she was as close to as she is close to me, but subsequently, that assistant resigned, and they have since lost contact and she was pretty upset about that. Thus, she made that assumption that I will slowly forget about her when I change place, I strongly disagree then as I will still stand by the point of view today, because I am a person who will keep friends forever, I cherish my friends, everyone of them.. But now, I regretted for not adding a fact, that if you are not the one who forget about me first.

And that was how I felt now...

I felt since the place have been changed, she only speak to me when there is work to be done, unlike those days, which is not so long ago.. we used to share everything, I used to tell her everything, I was fond of her as she was of me.. Sometimes, I felt pretty hurt about it, especially yesterday,I felt it so much, as if I am bleeding inside.. The only thoughts I have then was what happened to our friendship? Just because she was in a bad mood and a mistake was done, does she have to go to the extent of telling me "You went training and forgot about everything else?" When the fact was, she herself remembered the wrong thing, that file was with her on the day of the meeting, I was only holding on to another file.. And now, is it my fault for a mistake done? I asked a question about signatures then, and she told me that it is not required as it was computer generated, and now, is that fault mine as well? By nature I am a honest person, so I tell whatever that is on my mind.. She simply kept quiet at my explanation.

But the wound exist now and it will take a short while to recover i guess..

If this is how she wanted to keep a friendship, I think she is losing it faster.. To keep a friend forever is to like taking care of a flower, it requires nuture.. I forgive her, because she taught me a lot in the past, because of the friendship I hope we can keep.. But I really hope, in the remaining short 2 months which I will still park under her, we can be who we were 2 months ago.. I am a human, especially a lady with a lot of emotions, just like herself.. Not a doll who can act like a sponge, absorb everything and anything willingly..

I did not wait for her today to go back together after lunch, am I too much as well? But I cant help but still remember the wound yesterday, maybe soon, I will recover.. in a week or so..

Silly in the short term, but invest in a long term future

It has been so long since I last update my blog... I guess it is due to the fact that training has begun and I am like constantly running up and down, attending classes and working, worrying about my clients (well, not mine, my senior's, but I just have the habit to treat them as my own).

I have told a few colleagues about my future, that I have decided to stay and go through peak one more time before transferring to corporate tax next year, and that I will return to personal tax annually during the peak and help out.. Many of them thinks that i am silly, stupid, crazy or whatever term with the similar meaning, why do i want to torture myself like that? Yes, in the short term, I am exactly what they thinks, but what about in the long run?

Being a person with zero tax background and yet I have chosen this career route, I believe that with every single effort I invest in work, I will gain something in return, whether it is the love and respect from my colleagues and superiors, salary or acknowledgment, I trust that some miracle are bound to happen, like how i have waited for a year for a person to regret for transferring me away from corporate tax.. Maybe it will be faster increment? Bigger bonus? better prospects? whichever it is.. I will be glad, but even if I do not get any of those, I will still be willing to work both sides because it gives me an opportunity to have the best of both worlds.. I think it is magical how I can understand tax despite myself not having a formal education on it.. yes, i may have to invest more effort.. more energy.. but I believe that I can achieve whatever i want, as long as I put sufficient effort in it, and so i see it as a long term investment.

I understand that this means I am sacrificing my own leisure, but then I do it willingly, one heart and soul.. I trust that fate will lead me to the correct path.. maybe i will eventually meet someone who is my soulmate somewhere and some time in life.. If not, at least i can be independent and manage my own life without having any reliance to anyone.. I love children, then maybe I can adopt one or two if in the end, I remain single.. I dunno, based on a random tarot card reader which my mom has consulted my life in last year, I have been told that I have missed a chance to meet my other half when i was 21.. and the next time around, which will be a lasting relationship, will be when i turn 25.. hmmmm.. to believe? who knows, maybe i will meet that someone earlier.. wahhahahah...

A senior who used to be my senior's assistant told me today that i am so silly, why didnt i ever complain about the work load? she said she complain a lot when she was still an assistant, but I am like silently taking all responsibilities if i can afford it.. because i think it is worth it, i get to learn more...

I remember before i shift place, my senior seem sad.. she said when i shift place, i will forget about her, how sad she was because once upon a time, she was that friendly to an assistant like she is with me, subsequently that girl resigned and forgot about her totally, and they lost contact.. now, it has been a month plus since i shifted place, i still remain in good terms with her, but she is the one who seem like she is moving away, not me, sometimes i wonder whether she is the one who never get in touch with others, personally, i am one that will keep good friends forever and ever, and i told her about that.

I admit i improved, it seem to hurt less to see her and my twin sister getting close, after all, they are rightfully senior and junior now. But i cant help but to feel being abandoned sometimes, maybe, my time being her assistant is coming to an end soon and that means I no longer have much value to her, i am independent and i do not need that much guidance now.. i do not mind that, but what i mind about is her attitude towards me, i felt that since i changed place, she has become so cold towards me.. never before in the past year did she show me much of her temper, but recently, it is increasing and it made me feel sad... and i done nothing wrong! In her absence, i am the one who assist to manage her portfolio..

I treated her more than just a senior, she is also a friend which i am fond of.. but nowadays, i think she is treating me more and more like an outsider.. and i cant help but to feel sad about it.. sigh~~ Regardless, i know of one thing, she will never find another assistant like me, and i am sure of it.. but i will still wish her luck..

Maybe, it has come to a time which i ought to fully focus on my own future and not to think about other people's feelings and welfare...

I am grateful to earn your respect and love

I think, i am more than grateful to be myself.. I think i am such a blessed person.. Perhaps this is my luck.. i always take this place as my home.. a place which i am fully comfortable in..

It all begins on that day when i request to attend the corporate tax training.. and the next thing i knew.. was ms teh came to see my boss...it was a coincidence as i just came back from toilet and she saw me before she went in to see my boss... she pulled me to one side and ask me whether i have told my boss about my wanting to transfer.. i casually said i mentioned it to my performance manager during interim dialogue, that is before i got into national service...

After that, i was so scared when i saw ms teh and my two bosses are in the room discussing what i obviously know is on myself.. i never felt so nervous before in office, to the extent where my hands and legs are numb and i am actually trembling.. i was expecting ms teh to come and find me immediately after the meeting, but she did not, maybe after moved to my new place.. it is almost difficult to locate me, because i am too small in size anyway..

I went over to get some water and at the same time.. went to disturb auyong, i learn of the reason why many of them tendered their resignation.. i was quite shock when i know that it is due to one manager, who is actually quite friendly with me.. hmmm... maybe it is difficult to judge a person by its cover.. and we share our times in our jobs.. sitting on the floor in front of her cabinet.. whichever colleague, manager or even partner will not just walk past without noticing us... and we just sat there like that and chat for an hour..

my boss called me in a few minutes after return to my place.. she told me i can attend the training.. i was so very happy.. and she told me to think about it, whether i want a transfer or secondment... she told me at the first place that she would like to keep me and i respect her honesty and feel ever so blessed to gain her favor.. i told her my piece of mind as well, that although it was totally an unexpected event that i got transferred here, but i totally have no regrets at all... she seem glad of that comment of mine.. but it is true.. i learn a lot in the past one year, from a weak.. insufficient knowledge individual to an independent assistant consultant, who, very happily, managed to solve a few cases on my own this week in the absence of my senior.. maybe, i am better than i thought i really am.. boss said she may request for me to return to assist the department during peak period if i am with corporate tax in the near future, depending on the manpower in the department that year.. but isnt that always what i wanted? to achieve what i want in life and yet earn a bonus knowledge.. but i thought that it is not possible because that seem to make me belonging to neither here nor there..

and today, she called me in before i make a move to irb.. she wants my answer.. i told her, i decided to transfer.. but i will return every year between feb to april.. she was quite surprised.. i think she never expect me to conclude that.. but i told her that means my future boss, whichever it is, will have to know that i have such a duty and have to ensure the 3 months of mine are clear as i am quite concerned, i may not be able to juggle the work of two different departments at the same time.. she said it should not be a problem, i am pretty relieved.. i think she too.. seem pleased with my answer.. yes, i know that by belonging to two department.. it will be very stressful and tiring for me.. as i hardly have a free day in a year.. but at least, i have the best of both worlds.. which is pretty much an advantage for me..

I am ever so grateful to earn the respect and love of my bosses... i understand that my boss is pretty much a health conscious person.. but i like to think that, in one way or another, it is for me.. this year department's trip in november, it will be in an organic farm.. all vegan farm.. it is as if, it is meant for me.. or at least, i like to think that way.. hahahaha..

thank you so much my bosses..

but that does not mean when being in course, you will be totally free as.. i have to study for it!!! >.< .. so now, my weekend is so pack!!!! with income tax act and public rulings for those in corporate tax...

A bumpy journey

I think i have never felt so helpless before as like last week, i mean, i no longer have to fear that i am unable to tackle issues in the absence of my senior, but i am really weighted down last week.. I was so tired on wednesday that for the first time, i look forward to have my junior back, at least i can allocate some work to her.. Assisting 4 seniors is really not easy, matter of fact it is tiring.. so on wednesday night itself i started planning, what to give her.. then at least there will be less backlog cases..

But then, on thursday morning, as my other colleagues who stayed in the same condo and walk with her to work came, i did not see her, they came angry, they said she told them she was on MC after they texted her.. she do not have the initiative to tell them herself and they have to wait for her.. and neither them nor i know that she is on leave on friday, her birthday and mine.. I felt so weak then, i want to break down and cry.. i think, not to cry because of stress... i thought of the work i have on hand, and the work i have to put on hold for my own senior.. maybe, i do have high expectations and seriously hate it when my expectations are not met.. that was such a big bump...

it is my fault as well i guess, maybe i should not have such high expectations.. maybe i should not expect someone else behave like me, although we were born on the same day.. that bump really weight me down emotionally.. i was so tired tht day, and i seem to have lost my memory.. and what did my other colleague say when i ask a question, i really cant think when i am in such condition, i was hurt.. and i have 2 other seniors work, and i have advisory to do.. and at such a state, my other colleague asked what happened to me.. i should be better than her.. sigh~~ that was another bump... but i guess it is because no one else are in my shoes..

friday was my birthday.. yum! i ate well man.. after a full day work.. that was rewarding.. saturday was pretty cool too.. hahah.. i work from home.. boy, those files are just heavy,, caught a movie on sunday.. hmmm.. the story of going the distance is there, but it is a bit senget... 18SX man.. and a lot of bad words which i do not like.. its like F***ing every 2 minutes.. that was pretty annoying..

I started feeling emo after the movie yesterday.. i felt demotivated when i thought of coming back to work..

I was kind of right i guess.. it was pretty upsetting when i see both my senior and junior appear today, i can forgive my senior, after all she have to rest after the operation.. and she came in yesterday.. it was then i felt so sad.. she said she was surprised to find her desk rather clean, just 3 files at the side.. i could have done more.. if i do not have to do the work of others as well.. sigh~~ i cleaned up her emails.. like i always do.. and she is glad about that.. i cant help it.. i have to speak up about how i felt last week.. she just told me to calm down.. she said she meant to come in on thursday... but there wasnt enough time.. as she waited too long for the doctor.. i forgive her.. its not her fault after all.. but i cant help but to feel pissed just to think of last thursday.. i know for sure, that it was a fake MC, she was still having fun and not very sick, otherwise, how can she look so well and about now?

i understand that my senior is stressed out today, 1 look at her and i know.. and i cant help but to feel worry about her.. her portfolio is not easy.. most of the less straightforward tax computations belong to her.. she cherished me because i find all these difficult stuff fun!i am not shy to let her know about that.. and she thinks i am crazy and i know, somehow, she is grateful that she have me, i felt it deep in my heart, because there is someone there to argue the clients information with her.. haha.. i just love doing that.. aint i one insane assistant?


I hope that she will become skilful.. like that i do not have to worry so much.. sigh~~ how?

Charity shopping hunt.. *loves*

What keep me motivated in work.. never have i thought an activity so simple yet meaningful could keep myself smiling all day long.. maybe despite how angry and upset with the fact that i have yet gotten the opportunity to return to corporate tax and the fact that i have to take be an assistant considered "independent" and will be separated from my senior, i cant help but to admit the fact that KPMG remains in my blood.. it is part of me and i love it regardless what... by writing this, i really sounds like someone who enjoyed being bullied..

I had great fun yesterday.. in conjunction with the company's corporate social responsibility activities.. we have a charity shopping hunt!! the goods will be donated to Nur Salam.. a charity home in chow kit road which house the children of that area, many who are children of prostitutes and drug addicts and those innocent, poor children do not even have a birth certificate as their identification.. and so, the KPMG Malaysia tax department collaborate with them to organise a charity shopping hunt to purchase goods for them, and they only sponsor us RM50! which means whatever extra cash we spend will be out from our own pockets and given to the charity..

It is a bit unfair really.. if you join people from the same department, no extra points, if cross departments, i think extra 5 points and if you have a partner in your team, extra 10 points.. well.. my team is the second one.. with me from international executive services, 2 from corporate tax, one from special issue group and one from japanese unit.. and there were 23 competing teams!! Gosh..

Our department actually outsource riddle professionals to create the riddles.. gosh they are hard.. we are supposed to guess what is it that they want and buy it for them.... it was so tiring, worse than working in office.. because we were discussing about it since lunch.. such excitement.. and when the results were released at night and we realised our own mistakes as well as others... it was so funny!! i never had so much fun in office in my life.. i want to remember this day forever and ever...

The answers

1) Tiger biscuit - well, they said the biscuit is something about vessels, whatever it is, and his father is an earl and he travel around a lot..

Guess what we bought, a pack of biscuit with the logo and nature and water, and since napoleon travel around the world in history.. so we got a locker brand biscuit Neapolitan flavor.. it was so funny when announced... they emphasise on us being so environmental friendly, because it is a non trans-fat biscuit! hahaha

2) Pilot G2 blue or black pens - we exchanged this answer with other teams, but it was correct! Someone got KOKO Krunch for this answer, ahahahahaha

3) Kellogg's cornflakes - We randomly select and it was right!

4) Ribena mobile drink - peach and blackcurrant - at first we suspect that it will be yogurt drink but luckily we did not buy that, cause i remembered ribena have this flavor, but it was out of stock in Jusco, and my teammates have to get that from coldstorage.

5) Buncho crayons - Stupid mistake, we bought oil pastels!!

6) Spiral notebook - This is funny, because the question mentioned knights and war.. and it is A5 in size, so we got this faber castle 36 pieces colour pencils, so expensive but definitely worth it.. LOL.. but the answer is wrong when you start thinking about it, it really is so funny..

7) Palmolive products - We got this correct!

8) Tong's garden cashew nuts - We got this right too!

9) BOH Tea - We saw others buying it, so we just buy.. and it was right! ^^

10) Ayam brand sardine - Opps we got Marina sardines

11) VICO liquid drink - Our biggest sacrifice, my teammates drove out to tesco just to get that

12) F&N condense milk - we got this right too!!

I really had fun.. our total bill was RM223.40, and we are the biggest spender, so we were awarded the most generous team and earned RM500 parkson vouchers.. hahaha.. i was so shy when walk up to the stage to get our prize..

The buka puasa dinner was not so great, but i simply love the event a lot!! =)

Today, Thursday, CJ officially started me off in Phillip Morris.. sigh~~ a client i do not want but have to take... and i have a stack of notifications to deal with on monday.. T.T .. luckily tomorrow Friday is a public holiday in Selangor, at least i have one extra day to sleep and rest..

Had lunch with eunice, wica, leechoong, auyong and jacqueline today.. miss the CPTX team, eunice, wica, leechoong and auyong are leaving soon.. probably before i get to return to CPTX.. sad sad.. i will miss them a lot for sure.. aiks!! how can i forget to take a pic with wica?? we were once senior and junior, when i was still an intern.. and still very good friends today..dang.. how can i forget?? -_-

LLKIM.. spill the vineger and be more alert pls!!

That is my initial... and i really dunno what to comment on myself for the past 2 days.. I have never perform that bad before and never did i experience such disappointment upon myself.. what happened to me? could it be due to these two days are rightfully inauspicious in the chinese definition?

It has been so long since I share a senior with a twin sister, since my senior's new junior share the same birthday as i, and we were born in the same year.. and i cannot help but to wonder, am i just a complete idiot or what?? i ought to be happy because my bosses looked up upon me.. they consider me independent and thats why they separate me with my senior so that she can move on training other new assistants and some day soon, i will be promoted.. although my senior and i share a relationship that is more like being friends than colleagues of senior and junior..

but the moment my twin sister came, i cant help but to feel a bit slighted and jealous.. i know i should not be so.. i had my time under my senior, who is a great one.. who is the one able to open me when i was so extremely quiet when i first came, because i am unable to put down the fact that i was not given an opportunity to present myself in the department i want and pop... i came to IES without given a choice, whether i like it or not... she developed my potential and trained me to be independent.. although yeah, i do not deny during the beginning stage, her frequent absence made me very stressed up, but that was what that trained me to learn to stand on my two feet, that was what that made me into the Kim today.. what, much to my shyness and i wish to deny, but bosses told me.. "you are more independent now" and the assistant which is far separated from her own senior although i am not the first assistant in the department.. rather, i am the youngest that report in 2009.

Think i should be proud of my own achievements, despite being someone with zero tax background.. but why am i jealous?? is it because i cannot accept the fact that i am not my senior's only junior anymore?? plus, we sit so faraway from each other now.. we cant chat as frequent as i used to.. i miss those times.. is it why i felt this way? will i be able to fight through my emotions and win the war? i surely hope so.. so LLKIM.. close up those stupid female emotions and attention seeking attitude of yours, spill those sour vinegar and be more mature please!!

maybe that emotion is the cause my downfall in the past 2 days.. i mean.. not fully downfall and i am not satisfied with my own working attitude, i made a lot of stupid mistakes.. something which i do not think it is worth being mistakes at all.. i must learn to shut out the emotions and be more alert in work..

I will achieve it somehow!! gambate!! =)

All i want to do is sleep...

I have no idea, maybe it is due to having lack of sleep during the weekend, thats why i am so sleepy and blur now.. perhaps i am too used to the fact that having sufficient sleep is important.. thats why a few days of lacking it makes me more tired and blur than others...

I keep on making mistakes i know i would not have done it.. thats something sad.. this is obviously not my usual self..

It started from last friday.. i went to bed late because i was watching drama with my mom.. and got up late on saturday.. i made kar yee waited for me for 10 mins because we are supposed to go out.. and i am late.. sigh~~

It was good to see her, she just got herself a job in Ernst and Young, many congrats to her, I am so happy for her.. i am sure she will do pretty well.. also, we exchanged ideas on office environments and politics.. and we came to one conclusion.. regardless where one work, big company or small.. the most important thing is that we keep quiet.. people just simply enjoy gossiping.. perhaps you told them A, and by end of the day, it has become Z.. this is a very common situation.. so the best surviving method is to do whatever deemed to be own responsibilities and do it well.. talk less and listen more.. only grab a few best friends when you really know them enough...

She told me to join her there at EY... i rejected then.. but come to think of it now, if i cannot get back to where i want and belong, perhaps, leaving may not be a bad idea.. but when only.. when will it be the right time? i am giving the company chances until next year only.. when i reach 2 years here.. In a way, i am quite sad just to think of there is a possibility i might be leaving this place which i call home since intern days in 2008.. i remember so well, every bit of memory which gather here.. but my affinity with EY is not bad either... they actually accept my CV to be an intern there.. it is just that during that time.. i was stupid enough to send my documents vide normal post..

That very night, mom suddenly got very high blood preasure.. highest ever in her life and have to be rushed to the hospital.. I was left at home and i cant sleep due to worry.. they came back around 6am.. it was then i slept.. 3 hours and i got up to do housework.. i managed to sneak a nap in the evening, about 1.5 hours.. and on sunday and monday night, i slept only 5 hours each.. man... one thing i am happy about my sister is ending her internship this week is that, i do not have to be woken up by her alarm 15 mins earlier than my time.. and walk over to off her alarm.. she sleep so much nearer but i dunno whether she does that on purpose or not.. or she just cannot get up..

Now i really am tired and sleepy.. thats why i have been doing stupid mistakes.. dang.... wake up lee ling kim.. stop being such a sleepy head..

but.. i really wan to sleep~~ -_-

I need inspiration

I am seriously in need of inspiration... Haha.. it seems like in this world, when a person satisfied one need or want, he or she will move on to the next one... All these wants are probably in the infinity bracket.. It never ends, not even when you are a multimillionaire in this world.. somehow, human are just like that, I guess this is why there is such a thing called greed in this world.

Now that I have satisfied my need of using my brains... ( which i really realised, after you enter a class that can turn you into an absolute idiot because they treat and teach you as if you are a kid in kindergarten, my brains really become slower a bit and define things in a speed slower than before.. stupid idiot class that made me this way), now, i am in search of inspiration.

Those days, when I was in secondary school and university (wow, i cant believe that i am using the word "those days", maybe i really am getting old...hmmmm.....), i used to write stories and draw a lot, it helps to balance up my right brain, whoose function is for creativity stuff, then i can concentrate on serious stuff better than ever.. ah.. thats the beauty of human nature i guess.. LOL...

I am never much of an outdoor person, ever since young till now, maybe that is one of the reason why i got sick so easily in NS. i am not meant for too much of extreme activities.. I mean, i like mild outdoors activities, like how i got addicted to my evening walk, now come to think of it, it is also one of the source on how i search for inspiration... it feels so good when the wind blow across my face, and in my mind, are full of memories which i cherish with a whole heart and soul.. somehow, it just made me smile to myself happily and contented.. i know that sounds crazy, but something as simple as this, i think i want nothing more than that...

I remember, I used to write stories when i was in secondary, especially after I finished a taiwanese drama or during midnight, when burning the midnight oil feels dull and also during rainy nights... ah..... so nice!! after that, somehow when i am growing up, that inspiration is reducing more and more, which i also dunno why.. that was what i do during Form 5, SPM year

Uni final year, out of the blue really, i picked up designing evening gowns.. i guess it came from an all time favourite drama of mine from Taiwan.. tokyo juliet.. that time i cannot find the original so i got the pirated version, but quality is horrible.. so i cant watch a second time, until yesterday i finally found it.. so happy~~ and it is the last! complete set. selling for only RM39.90.. so happy~~~ next week i am going to get another 2 touching movies as well.. my lucky star which is related to jewellery design and starlit.. muahahaah..

I always need things and events that are touching to inspire me.. I need touching music, movies, dramas, calm scenery etc... and it seems like it has been some time since i found it, without my inspiration, i lost my creative ability, and when i lost that as well and unable to write or draw, i will lose my attention in work, lost the efficiency and effectiveness.. and that is bad because i think i live on that to boost my day to day work.

ah~~ hopefully i can find it soon... =)

A week of emotions

Stunned.. worried..sad.. angry.. happy...shocked...irritated.. calm...

It had been such an emotional week for me.. To the extent which I do not know how to describe.. It all begins with my senior hinting me early last week, that I will be separated from her soon, I asked her why, she said I have become too independent.. I can solve issues on my own now.. I disagreed then, I told her, I am far from that level.. And I ignored her hint.. But perhaps I should not have, because when the plan came out the next day, I reliased that I have been allocated to a further place... initially it was just like a few seats away.. where my junior is currently sitting.. but on the revised plan.. it is really far far.. I cannot even see her when I sit.. and I have to walk one round to see her..

Subsequently, she told me that I am to be on trial on a large group of client.. not her client but the client of another colleague, who has recently been promoted to manager.. but that client remain unallocated.. and this client has been following her since it first made its way to the company, no one understand that client or hold that client before other than her and her juniors.. now they want to put me on trial on this large group, that is something astonishing! I asked.. why not her current junior? Since she came in earlier than i, and have more experience in this group aside my own zero experience.. my senior told me.. that assistant will help her with her clients.. while i will be fully in charged.. i was so sad and angry.. sad because i am no longer sitting next to her.. i will miss her jovial and humor.. and they told me i will touch her client really less.. unless it is complicated cases and Newfield, the client which i will call my baby.. I like her cases because they are complicated, and i take it as fun and challenge.. but now? what am i to do? can i say no? i cant, which is why i am angry as well..

I am worried when after lunch on thursday, she came back ill... she vomited 4 times.. and doctor said she suffered from ear imbalance.. from my knowledge of 13 months sitting next to her...she is not quite a very healthy woman.. and that is what that trained me to stand on my own feet.. the road has not been easy, but i am thankful for it.. I was so sad when the revised plan came, I asked the secretary.. why am i so far away? do they expect me to run a few rounds each day just to see my senior? giving me an opportunity to do exercise? the secretary simply said good ma! then she added that initially she did not put me there.. but nearer, it was boss' idea.. because i am independent enough.. then, we were told that all assistants will see boss the next morning..

My senior was slightly better on Friday morning, but she was very upset when she saw the revised plan.. the fact that she cannot just turn around and see me next to her, i feel the same too.. we have become more friends than senior-junior.. when boss asked us to enter her room, and asked whether we have any comment on the plan.. I hinted her by saying it is too far, and i have to run a lot to get to my senior.. She told me this is because i am considered independent and more senior than the others.. i kept quiet then...I thought she will understand.. but then she told me, mimie and veon that she will speak to the 4 seniors who are supposed to share us.. it was later when my senior told me about giving me that client.. she looks even more upset.. so do i.. when she require my help that morning and noon.. she said she realised how nowadays.. i relied so much on me.. it made me even sadder.. but there is nothing i can do.. because boss has decided..

We start moving that noon itself.. i dont quite like my new place.. i really cannot see her at all.. and the place feels smaller... not spacious.. sigh.. but i do not have a choice.. and tomorrow, a new challenge awaits.. i went home sad, slept sad and woke up on saturday sad.. i remembered what she told me on friday noon, before moving, she said she will miss me, and she hope i will not forget her when i shift place.. she said once, she had an assistant who was like me.. but when she left the co, they lost touch.. i said i wont.. even if i am back to cptx, which now i really wish i am.. but i really do not know when.. i can still drop by IES and disturb her.. i told her that to me, friends are meant to be kept forever, thats why i am so picky.. she said where can, smiling finally.. she said when i first came, i scared her because i was so quiet, as if i cannot speak at all.. i said that was because i was still holding on hatred then.. she asked whether i still have it.. i said no.. but i am still cannot call out her name, she who transferred me, in a forgiving manner..

then.. while i was sms-ing xia, my ns fren, guiding her about her future, i got an sms that made me mad with fury.. siong, a guy from my secondary school.. text me and told me that he used my name to apply for a credit card the day before.. i immediately told him i do not like it.. and have him removed my name.. which he did.. i always knew something was amiss between the two of us, ever since i met him in that vegan shop.. and he got my contact.. he kept texting me, emailing me on facebook and all.. i was pretty uncomfortable, because he practically told me everything from his personal life, his credit life, day-to-day diary and all.. then he start tagging me in love songs MVs, i am really uncomfortable.. but did not say anything, nor did i reply.. then when this came.. i exploded.. i told him off properly.. saying i am go by the legal laws and all and have him respect my personal life..

he apologized.. but another bomb came this morning, he confessed his feelings for me.. i rejected him, i hate lying, and i lied that i have a boyfriend outside.. phew~~ i was so scared man!! and also very irritated.. now, after all these are over.. i am ever so calm.. its midnight now.. i should go and sleep.. prepare for a new week tomorrow, when i am expected to face a new portfolio for the first time.. gambate!!

my first week back in office after .......

As mentioned in my earlier blog, nothing feels so good than coming back to office.. if i like working before, then after going through that experience that traumatized me, i think i will cherish every minute of my life there more than ever.. Although the first week itself is not without challenges, but regardless, i rather face this than the mental torture of racial discrimination..

It is a mixed effect after all... some were shocked at the fact that i am back so early, when i am supposed to appear only next month.. others, on the contrary, had no idea i got out early because they felt that it has been too long since they last see me.. Laying work aside for a month really require a lot of catching up.. whew... but i try my best in whatever i do.. i know that now, cherish each day of my life to the fullest..

I did not participate in the tree planting CSR activity this year, not until this dry cough recover, it had been a month, although i am a lot better, but once i enter an air-cond room, my throat will feel dry and itchy, and i will just cough and cough, it will be worse if i ever start sweating, so it is better i dont go.. man.. that made me remember the time when i was very sick with fever, cough was very bad.. and i was forced to sleep in the medic room at night, instead of thinking me as a sick person and let me sleep the way i am comfortable in.. the teacher who is supposed to look after me ended up switch on the air cond till 16 degrees plus the ceiling fan is running at the 4th level, i was shivering and keep on coughing that night, as a consequence, i have yet another sleepless night there.. while the teacher herself is so comfortable that she snooze..

I know that the peak in corporate tax this year is terrible.. due to the high percentage of the employees tender their resignation.. i feel very bad too.. but i cannot do anything.. although my performance manager agreed to let me pursue my dreams there.. but no specified time is given.. i hope to go back soon, but i really do not know when.. so i choose not to disturb them, my ex-seniors.. until yesterday evening, when i just dropped by to say hi.. my ex-senior suddenly said she forgot that i came back, should have asked me to help her out.. sigh... wish i can.. but when? perhaps after she left the company? seriously, i cant help but still feel sad as all of them, these first seniors i know, i recognise, and who first introduce me to the firm, all of them are either leaving or had left.. sometimes, i hope that time can just be kept frozen as 2008, the year when i joined as a vacation trainee.. although i have a stable job in a different department and able to win the heart and attention of my superiors.. but nothing, absolutely nothing, beat those days.. i will miss them awfully.. after they left, will we get to meet that often again? i guess the answer has to be, we can always keep in touch.. but we wont see each other that often.. but we will always be friends.. they are my superiors.. in my heart, will always and forever be..

I admitted to the fact that eunice's and auyong's VT is my junior from university, but i do not like her, yes, she is one of the geniuses in university.. but i dislike her character.. my ex-senior suddenly got interested and asked why, she said there is actually someone i dont like.. ya, i guess i do not hate people easily.. i did not tell her really why.. not when that VT is still around.. but i guess.. since this is my private blog and not many people even know that i blog, i guess it is okay to confess here...

First thing is, she lied.. i remember when my little sister was in form 5, she studied very hard for her SPM, sleeping only 4 hours each night.. in the end, she got beautiful results, 12 A1s and was the 3rd best scorer of Wilayah Persekutuan KL.. appearing in papers and all, I am so very proud of her... this VT girl, her results was good, but not as good as my sister, the same amount of As i scored for my own SPM, 10As.. the difference is that she came from a smart school. in addition to that, while we honestly confess our family's annual income, she keep some hidden, make it seem as if she is the poorer one, hence she got the scholarship.. when actually, she is more well off than we are.. she can afford more branded things than us.. she can afford to take a trip to UK for 1 semester when none of us can afford due to the expensive currency rate.. maybe i should not dislike her for such a trivial matter.. but as a person who is as honest as the day and will not lie unless it is for the benefit of all.. i can not stand such a person..

Second thing is that, she make used of people... made used of.. us.. Well, it was like that, my sister and her, both remain as top students in university.. and both of them are receivers of the dean's award.. so the dean threw a party at his house and invited these students to his home for dinner.. it was a place which all of us do not know, but my sisters managed to find the map and made our way there.. .. being nice, we offered to send her there.. thank goodness i was at work, else i could have rip her apart.. so, we took her there.. and she, acting to be the dean's pet.. bought some expensive wine for him.. never did she offered my sister or others whether they want to share or not.. she is just an attention seeker..

not to comment anything, but in the working world.. i think lying is not good, to make things seem more serious.. people who is fond of lying, to me, are people who have ability to create fraud.. and people who like to make use.. is the culprit who will create office politics and sadness for others, just for the spite of herself.. i wonder, what will happen if she is ever jealous of the achievements of others? what will she do.. thats why i do not deem her as likable.. she is more complicated a person than she seems..

I have gotten a new handphone.. like it like it.. after a few rounds.. i am back to nokia again.. Nokia c-6.. haha.. happy happy~~

Surprises

I think I have had many surprises although this is just my second day at work.. I cannot imagine, how 1 month can cause so much changes.. Thanks to my senior, as she did not leak out the fact that I am coming back, so my appearance yesterday was a shock to many people, including my colleagues and bosses as well as secretaries, it was actually quite fun to see that shock expression on their faces.. haha...

I was kind of surprise when I realised I am not as bad as I thought, yeap, I attended kindergarten classes aside from the physical activities, and I actually did not lose my speed, my brain did not go malfunction, phew~~ that was such a blessing.. Many of my colleagues asked what is it like to be there, when I explained, especially about racial discrimination issues, they were quite angry and disgusted, even my boss advised me to write in to complain, but I guess I will not.. Getting exempted to me is already a real blessing, while others are still fighting against time to be released, I am already back in office, doing things I love, in the environment I like.. Besides, it is the teachers in the camp that is an issue, the commander is a great and understanding person and should I make a complain, he will be the one in trouble.. Now, I am just praying hard that the officer will keep his promise and issue a certificate of exemption for me, which although I have only met him once and I was skeptical then despite he time and again promised, because I don't trust others easily.. but deep in my heart, I believed that I am being protected by Buddha and Bodhisattva.. I am a vegan and it is difficult for me to survive there, I am being blessed and will eventually, get exempted..

I was a bit disappointed though, my performance manager is ill and is not in office in the past 2 days.. hope that you will get well soon, chooi lian..

My senior and I talk endlessly, we have always been more friends than colleagues.. a relationship I will cherish forever.. My friend from corporate tax, eunice told me to join them for a charity shopping sponsored by the department and i agreed, so happy~~ looking forward to that day.. =).. but i was shocked when susan told me eunice has tendered her resignation, her last day will be 16 September, yi von's birthday.. which is also a public holiday... i ask her about it today.. and she further added that they wanted me to come back soonest possible because I can choose where I want to sit, so sad, all my seniors I used to know during my internship, wica, lee choong, auyong, they all have tendered their resignation as well..

I was actually shocked when wica and auyong took that action, because 2 years ago, before I end my internship, wica is the one who advised me to return.. and auyong said last year she find this place happier than her first company, I thought they will stay forever, but perhaps, times changed sooner than I thought.. eunice said that they are bored with the routine job, I can understand, after all, all of those who have resigned are fun-loving people who like challenges as a spice of life, routine jobs, in the long term, will bore them.. But i cant help but to feel upset.. after all, they are the first people who introduce me to the firm, and they were my first friends, and now, they have all left..

I met her while waiting for my sister.. her as in the lady who transferred me away from corporate tax last year without giving me a chance.. she smiled a bright smile at me.. I was actually a bit worried, because it seems as if she has something on her mind which no one knows, some strategy she is planning, man.. she is scary..

My boss called me into her room after lunch today, when my senior is not back yet, and gave me something.. I am actually aware of it.. but i thought everyone get the equal reward.. I hope that she is not lying, but judge by the sincerity in her eyes, I choose to believe her.. She told me that only a handful of employees get increment for the month of june.. and in case of sensitiveness and jealousy.. she said the firm only reward those who worked hard and have good performance in their jobs, and i am one of them,she encourage me to keep up the good work.. imagine my happiness and surprise when she said that, i was at first, a bit scared, wondering if i have done anything wrong..whew~~.. although my increment is not a lot, but it is still better than nothing.. so i choose not to tell anyone face-to-face, in case it hurts them.. after all, most of my colleagues do not know I blog, only my closest friends.. golly, i am so happy..

All in all, this is a day of mixture.. happy that I am back and the little increment discussion.. but i also feel sour.. when i know my first friends of the company are preparing to leave.. sad sad..

Actually, I also want to ask one thing, if you ever view this blog.. LE MINH GIANG....when are you ever going to install office communicator? and why on earth i cannot find your name? I only manage to find a few Le Minh Hang(s).. but where are you????

I miss using my brains..

This is amazing, i do not understand why or how, but days that went past without using my brains made me more tired than days when i invest the whole of my concentration, especially during working times.. man, i just cant wait to return to work, its been so long and i cant help but to feel useless when i am not working..

Maybe this is the consequences after you spend most of your time from high school onwards, until university times till working times, concentrating studying or working, and you just got used to it, i can sleep less by just concentrating, and i love the days when i use my brains, fully utilise them, lets see, the last time i really use my brains was 24 june, i remember so well..

Then i went to national service, er.. in a way, their physical activities are quite fun, but we girls are often tired, having to climb hills everyday because there is where our dorm is located, i think my legs have got stronger because of that.. but other than the food which is a real problem for vegetarians since they are unable to prepare food for me, a pure vegetarian, without the consumption of onions, garlic, leek, eggs and meat, it is difficult and thats why i fell sick.. their oil is not fresh obviously, and they tend to include anchovies, errr.. who said that is vegetarian at all?

and the classes in the classroom, gosh.. i think my mentality had gone back to kindergarten stage.. you came in to class, sing a song, clap hands, take out your work book and draw a diagram with 6 branches using magic colours, each branch must be different colour and you draw what you did the day before.. then you learn to fold airplanes, draw, juggling etc.. um... i am sorry, yeah, most of it encourage you to learn how to be collaborative with others.. but i do not find it much helpful, my role there, the only thing i like about it is probably my role as a translator..

but i wont say i did not learn anything, i did.. i learn to be a bit more patient.. because in the classroom activity, my buddy is a girl that has attention problem.. i dunno.. thats what i think, she is 18 and i think, inexperience about the world, nor did she care about it.. i was her translator too and she never listen.. it seems as if the only thing she is interested in are boys... hmmm.. i wonder why, maybe i am never a person who devote the whole of my attention in the opposite sex.. i prefer to use my brains and work, from there, i derive ultimate happiness that nothing can replace.. and i am glad that the officer from the ministry as well as the commander of my camp understands..

but as stated in my previous blog, i really met some great friends that i hope, can still keep in touch after they are released in september.. heng wen, she came from the same uni as i and i forgot, maybe it is because we are never the same course, and she is very pretty and i think, can easily be a socialite.. xia, an architect who just got a job few days before she got the notification for ns.. she is nice and i enjoy listening to her gossip about the discrimination they suffered in camp.. fanny, a year younger than i and probably, my great companion as she used to sleep close to me.. she is a clerk who has just resigned for ns and wanted to aim for the sales line, she likes singing, especially SHE's songs.. and she does have a good voice.. guess i will miss the days we hid together and eat some simple breakfast instead of the oily food they provide.. mei sze, my company secretary's daughter, she is still a bit young but she is somehow a kind hearted child.. mei hoon, cute sweet little mei hoon.. kind and sweet, despite her cute looks and short height, she is a mature girl, good natured and sweet.. i will miss her.. ong, 18 years as well, very quiet but she is kind.. i remember when i was sick, she sat next to me and watch me sleep.. she is a good girl really... who else i forgot? oh ya, mel, i think she is the best malay, i translated tonghua for her.. she can sing nicely wei!!

despite the friends i made, i miss using my brains and i cant wait till next monday when i can return to work again.. =) excited excited!!

updates from the past month

So many things happened in such a short time... i will not forget that fateful 19th June, that morning when i was still laying in bed..sleeping and my dad came in and whack me up with a letter.. notification of national service..and i am to report on the 26th.. a week.. i was so stunned and angry, i still have a lot of work on hand... grrrr... but the company have to release me.. i tried to postpone a week so that i can finish my peak period but it was not granted.. so angry, anyway i got in..

i met some very good friends there.. because of the small population of chinese.. we became very close to each other, we console each other.. one thing i do not understand.. time and again they emphasize on 1malaysia, but it seems like they are forcing us.. they do not allow us to wear our hair in anyway other than a bun and our fringe must be pin up.. above that, they encourage us to wear a tudung.. that is, cover up our hair fully like a malay.. that is too much.. and no folding of sleeves..

anyway, i got sick in there.. their so called medical services are really good.. take a lot of cold shower when you are having a high fever.. they do not realised that it will cause us even more sicker.. and the worse is that they are unable to provide proper food for a vegetarian, precisely why i got sick.. fever up to 40 degrees.. they still take it as if nothing is wrong until my fever keep coming back time and again, they let me go home... by the time i got home, i was ill with fever, cough, flu and constipation, i scared my mom awfully when for a duration of 5 days, i did not visit the toilet.. subsequently with good food at home, i improved..

then, my granny passed away on the day i am supposed to return to camp... so my leave has been prolonged.. and my sister and mom, thanks a lot for their help, they filed an appeal for me at the HQ, they met this nice officer who is willing to help as he himself admit that the camp is unable to provide for vegetarians.. he suggest me to get exempted and he will help me to.. which is why i am out now..

i have met the officer on tuesday, maybe it is the first time i met him, thats why i remain a bit skeptical.. although time and again, he promised i will get the certificate of exemption by mid september, and if i dont, call him.. hopefully he will keep his promise.. because i rather finish my NS now and not postpone further, even if i will lose my life in the end.. they are to take responsibility for whatever happens.. i have been living alone in uni for 4 years and working a lot of late nights for 1 year and yet, i have never been this sick..

since now i am out and about, my focus is to get well soon and go back to work, and now, i am praying very hard to get the certificate of exemption as soon as possible to ease my own worries.. and i hope, my dear friends, will pray for me too..

r u changed or am i just another emotional female animal?

I cant help but to miss those days, when you only have me beside you, piling me up with work, it may seem that you overwork me, but you have no idea, the happiness within it, i think it is something that cannot be replaced, forever and ever.. because happiness has always been unconditional...

I know, someday i have to leave, but your changes is just too significant, it upsets me.. I do not mind guiding her in whatever she does.. in fact, i am happy to.. but i cant help but to feel left out, that i, who has been by your side for almost one year, who has been assisting you, is being ignored.. i understand that she is my twin sister since we are born in the same day of the same year, but do you know, how hurting it is?

I cant help but to noticed that what should have belonged to me, now goes to her, the warmth of your nature, your smiles.. while nowadays, it was i who have to bear with your complains and tantrums.. it was i who have to ensure everything goes smoothly.. you cannot imagine, maybe.. that i felt left out..

I wasnt quite agreeable when they first place her under you honestly, for i know that you do not need another assistant, but since what has been done cannot be rewind.. i will try my best to guide her, but i really hope that you are who i know you are again.. you have no idea how lonely i have become.. especially when i sit next to you..

I cannot believe that i felt so hurt and jealous to hear you praising her, those work could have been mine.. it should be mine but it was taken away from me.. You should understand that, when i see other assistants happily helping their seniors while my work has lessen.. i felt sad.. and it isnt my fault at all..

All these while, sitting next to you, i know how reluctant i was at the beginning, but your joyful nature opened me, allow me to enjoy whatever i have on hand.. but that, assist in creating the unconditional happiness.. but now when i saw how you focus on her, my twin sister or even the other assistant who is not even helping you, i felt so hurt, where is the senior i have known for the past one year? where is she?

i am really unsure now.. was it that you have changed and want to leave me alone, or am i just too sensitive, too emotional to feel that way.. i cannot imagine.. it has gone that bad, to the extent that i have to excuse myself from in front of you, go into the toilet and console myself not to feel that way... it seems like jealousy has always been my weakest point, i thought i have smoothen it, but now, i dont think so..

how i wish, you are who i know you are again.. i miss your happy nature that cheers me up.. but where are you?

what is there to be afraid of, i wonder?

I seriously cannot understand at all... when we came out to work, when all of us are new to a company, new to the work, none of us can just came in to office on the first day itself and whooop... able to do all the work without any problems at all.. we need guidance, or at least a reference or a sample.. this is because each and every company have its different way of doing things, we need time to learn.. is it not so? and above all, we need to have the courage to make mistakes.. we need chances to learn from, we need to fall down and climb back up again, is it not so?

but why why why.. i simply cannot understand, this is not the first time, definitely it will never be the last.. perhaps i am born an honest person.. if i dunno, i will say, if i make mistakes, i will admit, i speak my mind.. and i dislike hiding things, especially things which i think is not even worth hiding.. if i am not good, just show it, and i will learn from there... wont it be better? in this way, at least people know that i am learning and picking up constantly and eventually, i will be good.. so what is there to hide it?

this is what happen to a new friend and colleague of mine.. i cannot understand, so if you are not good, fell and climb up from there, make mistakes.. i think this journey is a challenging one.. get into trouble, get scoldings.. life is not perfect, then when you succeed, you will feel like the process is actually a piece of dark chocolate, bittersweet.. i am kind of tired she keep on telling me dont tell anyone that she obtain samples from me, dont tell anyone that i taught her this, teach her that.. i mean i dont mind teaching, but why the hiding?? i really think it is not necessary at all ok..

what is there to be afraid of? i wonder, scratch head and no, i still cannot understand it..

what can you gain from being bitchy?

I suddenly feel so pissed, i just do not understand, why the people in this department act in this manner, if there is one description word for it.. it has to be bitchy... seriously bitchy.. it has come to the extent sometimes i cannot take it anymore.. and i want to return to where i belong asap...

personally, i do not believe in complaining too much, like time and again i have written in my blog.. because i think there is no use.. complains wont make your life any better.. it will only increase your hatred... how can anyone live happily like that? i miss people in cptx because they take work as responsibility, something they know with all their hearts they must do to attain, and i think that my personality suits there better..

yv is leavin next friday, the same day i have be getting my result for my first cpa paper, i am quite sad on it, because she is like one of my greatest friend..she is someone i admire from the bottom of my heart because despite her young age.. her inner strength is wonderful.. i respect her for her ability and intelligence.. and she is a wonderful friend... she cares a lot and she knows me very well.. and she is always trying to bring beauty into this world.. try to avoid all politics where possible.. but i understand she is suffering, because she is not born a strong girl, she has various allergies..

and people who do not know her well? what did they say? the crtics is just too much.. i am so freakin annoyed.. people in this department.. to avoid further gossips.. i do not talk further.. they call her the chinese girl who looks like malay.. just because she is born dark skinned.. we cannot control that can we? i praise her a bit, she is indeed a genius... thats why i respect her, nowadays.. no tca can become a senior after 6 months as an assistant, only her because she is capable.. their reply to me was cptx dun have but ies got.. right, maybe such things happen 10 years ago.. for anyone who step into this department can see that everyone is no longer young here.. minus new assistants like us..

what can you gain from being so bitchy and spiteful? nothing.. seriously nothing.. it will make you lose friends in the long run.. might as well practice kindness, wont we all be happier with life that way? i am very tired sometimes from their complains.. if you do not hold an optimistic point of view on life.. how can you ever be happy? all these while, for the past one year i hold on tightly to my own perspective about life.. i try to make myself happy and not to be influenced by them.. and i think i survived.. but i am indeed a bit strained sometimes, i tend to be a bit pessimistic..thats very bad.. i will try to turn around..

had lunch together with wica just now.. she mentioned about CPA exam results, i simply blurt that i dunno what my results are.. she said i will sure pass.. because she said so far, she overcome everything successfully despite taking everything last minute.. and she wants me to update her once i have gotten my result.. hmmm... could it be that i am supposed to be shadowed by her? dunno, but i sure hope so... i cant help but to notice the difference between people in personal and corporate tax.. how i wish i am back with corporate tax already..

yeah~ i hope i am able to do well.. and i hope that i can return to where i belong asap.. i rather face stress in work than to be in an environment that stressed me out, because i cannot control it at all..

warmth in the past few days

It has been quite a beautiful week, from last wednesday till yesterday, i dont think i have much complains, even though dad as usual, try to find something that upset us..

Lets start from the beginning.. It was such a long wait, and Giang came to malaysia to visit us, i was so very happy.. Goodness knows how much i miss her, and those times we all are in uni, i miss the days, when all of us are wearing casual and with academic books in our hands, those long assignment discussions and those days gathering, disturbing our lecturers etc... i miss those days when we were bored in class, almost falling asleep, especially those classes that took place after lunch... i miss that day when we were together in the studio, which now sadly, discontinued their operations..

My younger sister joined my firm since last tuesday, and golly, i think she is a real busy bee.. it seems like she is worst than me, she has more work than i do.. but a person as good and talented as her deserve a job here.. and i hope, she will call this place home like i do.. and so is my best friend, giang.. i have no idea what is the environment like in vietnam kpmg.. but i sure hope she too, will find herself at home there.. sometimes, i cant help but to think that it is funny.. funny how i was betrayed on my first day at work, yet the love for this place remains.. although i am unsure, as i cannot foresee the future, whether this feeling will remain forever, but i sure hope yes, i hope that this place i call home now, will be home forever for me..

another thing is that i felt my ambition is a step nearer to me.. my dialouge has finally been reviewed and my performance manager spoke to me that day.. she gave me a choice.. and i voice it out.. now it just left me to amend my dialouge, hopefully i have time thats it.. but she asked me whether i have any complains on my senior and whether i am stressed out or have any complains on the amount of admin work in this department.. i said no.. my complains on my senior is really nothing much, because to me, i am very blessed i have a very thoughtful, helpful and cheerful senior, probably my only complain is on her untardiness.. my answer to the second question is i am not stressed at all, not even during peak period, in fact i think it is quite challenging and fun.. my answer to the third question is i do not think admin work is something to be complain of, i understand that many people in this department complain on it, but i do not think it is a relevant topic at all.. after all, your work includes that and that is part of your job.. what is it to be complain of?

but all these, although are simple events.. i felt very warm.. and happy.. how i hope this luck will continue on and on.. =)

I am still waiting

It seems like it is taking forever, sometimes i cant help but wonder, have action been taken? or are they sweet-coating my request by saying action is on its way but the action will take forever, just to keep me numb in the dark? I cant help it, but it can be upsetting, when you see all your former seniors keep on asking you when are you coming back and the current ones refused to give way, i know both department love me enough, although i dont quite understand why, but should i be given an opportunity to decide on my own future?

it seems like i am waiting for a lot of other things...

I am waiting for giang to come to malaysia, so we can catch up on each other, and if possible, take a day off so that we can go back to uni together, i really miss those walking around in uni days with her and all our other sisters

I am waiting for giang to get into kpmg vietnam as well.. like that we can be like last time, we can share all laughter and tears together, we can chat and gossip like usual..

I am waiting for my department people to change their attitude, although i know that it will never be possible.. unless i wait until my next life..

I am waiting for the embrace of my future

I am waiting for a day of laughter, it seems like so long since i last laugh until i cried

I am waiting for a holiday.. i want to go the beach! or even genting is more than enough

I am waiting for my sister to come in her internship, which will be next week

seems like i am waiting for so many things...

guilt

I dunno... it is just that i cant help but to feel that way...

I feel like, i am torn between my own and my family's dream and the current situation where people in this department's love and care for me.. i cant believe that it has come to the extent that it is affecting my weekends.. i cant seem to be able to focus on having great fun.. because i really do not know.. what should i do... should i just be selfish and achieve my own and my family's dream? or to stay on where i am now..

I am so guilty.. it seems as if no matter which route i take.. i have to fail someone.. cant i just take an action which harm no party??

If i choose to pursue my own dreams.. then i will harm my current senior, who have been a dear to me.. she really cherish me and is there to provide guidance for me whenever i need it.. i saw her pain whenever i mention that.. and i know she saw mine whenever i mentioned of my dreams of return to cptx .. but when i saw how she treat me, her care for me.. i feel so guilty.. when i fail to be efficient on may 7 and i accidentally hit her head last friday.. i feel so guilty.. i hurt her in so many ways.. but somehow, i think she knows something i do not know and she meant to keep it as a secret from me until the very end...or all these while.. is she giving me hints but i am just too slow to notice it? i remembered that day when she told me when i return to cptx, she may require my help still in her cases.. i did not give an answer then.. but i will say it aloud here now.. i am more than willing to.. and 2 weeks ago she suddenly ask me when am i suppose to leave.. i am quite confused.. seriously, i think i can tell her, dun think i can find another senior as good as her.. in addition, i think i will tell her, at one point of time, i did consider of giving up my own dreams to stay on in this department.. but when i was reminded not to waste my expensive degree at all.. i hesitated.. maybe.. in the end.. i have to harm a person as great and kind of a senior as she is.. thats why i am so guilty and sad.. i think i can cry.. i have grew so fond of her.. and if i return, i will miss her.. a lot..

but, if i dun return, what are dreams for? to be wasted like rubbish? i wanted to return to cptx after i left kpmg as an intern on 29 august 2008, it came to the extent that i have to review all these memories to push me ahead in my studies in final year, which i am ever so thankful.. because of such motivation, my final year results.. dun think i ever achieve such wonderful results.. so little away from first class... it is a record i have broken as i manage to beat all my other classmates who are supposed to be better than i.. which is simply a wonderful surprise.. and above that, i always want a job that is not similar to my studies, and yet, it is connected to what i study, picky huh? and cptx meet this weird requirement of mine, exactly.. if i stay on in ies.. my degree will officially be wasted forever.. it is not cheap.. a total of 70k.. if i choose to give up this dream..i wasted mom's money and hope upon me.. thats why when she is not in a good mood.. she will start nagging me for not taking action to return.. i am guilty too if i do not return..

what should i do?

i gave it much thought.. finally i choose to achieve my own dream.. given the first chance to return, i will take it.. after all, it is my mom's hope on me too.. and i am a daughter first before an employee..

i am so sorry janet.. you are such a wonderful and kind senior, someone which i can joke and chat along, thats why i am not shy to compliment you in front of boss on fri's meeting.. it is really great to know you, other than you are unable to keep stress inside (but anyone in this department is quite the same, which is why sometimes i think i do not fit) .. i really appreciate the times of me sitting next to you.. assisting you with your difficult portfolio with your guidance and care.. you just know when to give guidance and when to let me go solo.. i respect you for that.. i do not regret my times in ies at all.. the first reason being you are my senior.. one that is so unselfish when it comes to guidance and teaching.. my memory in this department is something i will remember forever..

if there is ever an opportunity to let me return to cptx but during peak times, i will have to help out in ies.. i will take it, for sure..

but i am still feeling so guilty now... T.T

forgive me..

Dont complain, prove it..

Sometimes, i am very tired

there are times that i felt so fed-up with life

so fed-up of the constrain in my life which i do not deserve

but what can i do?

i was not given the choice from the beginning,

but despite all of it,

i tell myself

do your very best

eventually you will get what you want, whether it is a long wait or not,

prove it to them that you are better than they think

you are just not another fragile cute face

you are strong in heart

because you are you

but, although i keep telling myself that

i am tired

not with the burden and unfulfilled wish i carry in my heart

but with the people i face each day of my life

where i want to be

i hardly hear anyone complain about the workload and responsibility

they do it diligently as that is their responsibility

i have seen that since 2008

and i tell myself to be like them

but, where i am now

people are just different

i hate the word stress

thats why i will never use it

i call fallbacks temporary shutdown situations in life

not something that will kill you

not something that deserve your tears

i try to smile

but complains around me pull me down

is it true that this is due to i am still a junior?

or i am just not meant to be here?

i prefer to think the 2nd option

as it will make me feel better

oh, when can i return to where i belong

be who i want myself to be again?

procrastination on purpose?

Sometimes i think that they did it on purpose, being the position i am now, i dont have much power to determine my own future, hence my reliance on my seniors and managers are strong.. because i was not given a choice at the first place.. sigh!! it seems as if i am like a puppet, they determine my life... regardless, i will still perform all i can, i will still give in my best, because i understand that it is unfair if i take out my anger on whatever i do and in the end, i will harm my own reputation for producing awful quality jobs.. something i dont want at all, to happen...

but time and again i bring up to my senior, of my wish to return to where i belong.. she said ok each time but no action was ever taken.. i feel so disappointed... and cant help but to wonder if this is some selfish intention? will she proscrastinate until it is too late to do anything just to keep me? i know and understand that humans are essentially selfish, but what about the victims? am i destinated to just give in? that is so unfair to me.. but, did they ever realise it?

my senior, to my very surprise and hers as well, got a new assistant out of the blue last week.. and know, i am assisting in training her, she is quite a smart girl, but a bit raw, it is alright, guess i was like that when i first came as an intern.. and that time, i got a rather strict and fierce senior which force me to buck up and work hard, and learn as fast as i can..

my intention now is to try my very best to train her, and eventually, i hope, with all my heart, to be able to be given an opportunity to return to where i belong, i dont think that is a lot to wish for.. i am quite easily contented.. just that one wish to come true, and i am will be happy.. i am always ready to give in all the effort i have in whatever i do.. just this one wish to come true is all i ask for..

do i have the chance? please say yes... *pray hard*